Performance artist Alex Jones has been engaged in a war with yogurt company Chobani ever since he alleged that the company's factory in Idaho was connected to a 2016 child sexual assault and a rise in tuberculosis cases. In an extremely unlikely coincidence, Stephen Colbert's fake right wing persona Tuck Buckford is also engaged in a war with Chobani—and he took the fight right to his own brain last night.
"I'm not going to roll over for Big Yogurt, the illumi-Chobani working to undermine the liberty of the American manscape," Colbert-as-Buckford said, before reminding us that he has slept with every woman named Deborah in the Western Hemisphere. "George Soros doesn't want you to know the real value of yogurt: that it's a natural, protein-rich Gamma-ray shield to keep the Clinton Foundation from reading your dreams."
He then smeared yogurt all over his forehead and skull to demonstrate the best way to block out the voices: "Now they can't read your mind," he said. "You can't get in here, John Podesta, ok? You can't put yogurt onto pizza. My brain is a steel trap. I can't even tell what I'm thinking. Look, I have no idea why I'm doing this, because I can't even read my own brain right now."
Chobani has now sued Jones for his “false” and “defamatory” claims on InfoWars. For his part, Jones seems to be rethinking this battle.
I have postponed my Chiobani News Conference today while I do more research
— Alex Jones (@RealAlexJones) April 26, 2017