As street furniture designed specifically to beautify and enliven otherwise gloomy cityscapes, it's important that women—all women, regardless of current mood or life circumstances—remember to smile. When God created us, He did so with the intention of bringing joy to men loafing on milk crates, and men loafing on milk crates hate to be let down.
But despite the seeming simplicity of their job, some women are simply defective at the art of smiling. Luckily, this is the 21st century—it is no longer permissible to force the failures to the edge of society or "disappear" them in the dark of night. In an effort to rehabilitate women once considered "an imminent threat to national welfare" (Ted Cruz, citation needed), comedians Janelle James and Laura Prangley created an important training regimen for the facially challenged.
There's a common misperception that smiling at will is a simple, automatic task, but James and Prangley's investigation reveal the dark side of an uncooperative zygomaticus major:
Exhibit A: Murderous Constipation
Exhibit B: The Struggle
Exhibit C: Often, subjects struggle to acknowledge their condition. In psychiatry, this is called "insight."
Exhibit D: But under every sullen, world-weary mug, there's a broad, welcoming smile waiting to be set free!
Exhibit E: Finally, a beautiful batch of dead-eyed automatons who will never murder you in your sleep!
"Thanks to the smile bitch training camp, guys never have to have their day ruined by seeing my unhappy face," one cheerful graduate says.
Alternatively: "Maybe, it's your fuckin' face, and you don't feel like smiling."
