tromano_big.jpgThe Basics
Age and occupation. How long have you lived here, where did you come from, and where do you live now?
30, nightlife columnist, aspiring writer. I’ve lived here five years in September, moved here from Seattle. Born and grew up in Las Vegas (and no, that’s not, like, “so cool.”) I live in the East Village, naturally.

Three for You
1. How do you describe "The Fly Life"?
Fly Life is a nightlife column based around the decadent events of the downtown club scene, with occasional excursions above 14th Street. Sometimes, I include real “gossip,” as in who’s boinking who, but usually it’s a bird’s eye view, a you-are-there snapshot with profiles, informative bits about local artists, and news squeezed in. One person wrote me and said that he didn’t have to keep a diary because I did it for him. Really though, it’s the column that no one reads that comes after Musto in the paper. Are you referring to the phrase "fly on the wall" or are you dropping some mad old-school slang? Sort of both. My former colleague Jose Germosen who was once a co-Fly Life columnist, came up with the name. It was a riff on the house music classic 12-inch by Basement Jaxx, “Fly Life.” It was also a riff on the idea that we’d be a “fly on the wall,” and it played with the notion that we were somehow showing everyone the “fly,” cool life. I prefer the Basement Jaxx idea, even though I haven’t liked any of their subsequent records.

2. If you could sit Courtney Love down right now, what would you say to her?
1. What’s the matter with you? You’re gonna lose the kid! 2. Do you have any, um, stuff? 3. Where’s the bathroom? 4. Thanks.

3. As long as you get the sex and drugs, could you live without the rock and roll?
I live without the rock and roll all the time. I live for techno, house, electronic music. (I used to live for drum’n’bass but it turned into heavy metal without the hot guys with long hair and tight pants, so forget that). Rock and roll belongs in a nice museum somewhere. They should force the people who make it to become permanent exhibits at MOMA. I should also note that since all my “boyfriends” are gay, I also live without the sex, so all that’s left are the drugs.

Proust-Krucoff Questionnaire
Please share a personal (and hopefully interesting) NYC taxi story.
I was on my way to DJ gig and I got in a cab with a Russian taxi driver who called himself the “Human Computer.” His trick was that he could guess what day you were born on just by telling him the date and year. He guessed mine (I think it was Sunday). He had other tricks, but they cost money and we were almost at the destination. Also, he only listened to books on tape. At the time, he was listening to a book about a massive storm. It sounded incredibly dull, but the Human Computer insisted that he’d rather listen to books on tape instead of his customers because his customers were far less interesting. After he guessed the day of my birth, he promptly turned on his book on tape and ignored me, because I was just not riveting enough for the Human fucking Computer. I still tipped him $5 bucks.

Time travel question: What era, day or event in New York's history would you like to re-live?
I’d like to see Blondie in their heyday at CBGB’s. Otherwise you can keep New York City, past, present, and future.

9pm, Wednesday - what are you doing?
At some place that passes for a “cool” club. Drinking the pain away. Trying desperately to figure out how I can write about it.

What's your New York motto?
Screw these people.

Best celebrity sighting in New York, or personal experience with one if you're that type.
Celebrities are stupid. I don’t really deal with celebrities unless you count Carlos D and Nick Zinner as celebrities, and I don’t. They are just cool people and good musicians. One time, my friends and I saw Tara Reid walk by and her pants were hanging so far off her ass we could a. see her tan lines, and b. see her ass crack and the fact that disgusting little hoebag wasn’t wearing any underwear.

Describe that low, low moment when you thought you just might have to leave NYC for good.
I have that low, low moment every single week. Usually it involves staring at the toilet bowl in Siberia or the Hole. Mostly, it’s every time I write my rent check.

Just after midnight on a Saturday - what are you doing?
Saturday night is for frat boys. I am watching a movie I ordered from Netflix.

What's the most expensive thing in your wardrobe?
I am against expensive clothes. They are for bimbolinas. I have a pair of Seven jeans which I think were about $150 and which I already ruined by putting them in the dryer on the hot cycle. Fabulous. I have now have $150 high-water designer jeans.

Where do you summer?
Summer?? HAHAHAHAHAHA. What, do you think I’m a fucking yuppie? Assholes “summer.” Real people go to their aunt’s house in New Jersey.

Who do you consider to be the greatest New Yorker of all-time?
New Yorkers suck. But if you put a gun to my head, I would nominate Debbie Harry because she’s from New Jersey.

What was your best dining experience in NYC?
My fave restaurant in NYC is Lucien. I’ll eat there until I’m am so full you have to carry me away on a stretcher.

Just how much do you really love New York?
I don’t. I like the drop-off laundry. That’s it. And Lucien. I like my friends, it’s such a shame they all live here though.

What happened the last time you went to L.A.?
I got a sunburn and I liked it a lot. I also saw Slash play in a really bad cover band with Dave Navarro, but I didn’t care ‘cause it was Slash. And, I hung out with my friend who was dressed in a bunny outfit at a gay boy party with men in S&M gear walking around.

Medication: What and how much do you take?
I self-medicate frequently and often and hope that some new “medication” is discovered pronto. Otherwise I took myself off the “prescription” meds.

Of all the movies made about (or highly associated with) New York, what role would you have liked to be cast in?
As the snowstorm that detroys the city in The Day After Tommorrow.

If you could change one thing about New York, what would it be?
Everything. Mostly, the weather, the astronomic rents, the garbage, the dog shit on the sidewalk, the leering men on every street corner, the overpriced drinks, the spoiled groceries at the food stands, the fashionista beyatches, the bottle service bars, and most importantly, I would change the CABARET LAW! AMEN.

The End of The World is finally happening. Be it the Rapture, War of Armageddon...what are you going to do with your last 24 hours in NYC?
Join the Armageddon and have a party to celebrate this overrated city’s demise. Then after everyone’s deserted the place and rents have dropped to nothing, I’ll move back and have the whole stinky shithole to myself!

Tricia Romano writes the Fly Life column in the Village Voice.