Age and occupation. How long have you lived here, where did you come from, and where do you live now?
Ed.- TMFTML - "The Minor Fall, The Major Lift" - has no grade point average, all courses incomplete. You can try to glean clues from his website and this profile in the New York Observer but he is one of those anonymous bloggers, just like Morey Amsterdam.
Three For Thee
1. Are you hiding your identity so that you can better and more honestly comment on the injustices and/or minor miracles of the media world, in the tradition of the Gong Show's Unknown Comic?
No, it's more of a fear thing. Ever since word got out that Gail Collins threatened to "cut [my] balls off with one of Johnny Apple's steak knives" I've been trying to keep a low profile.
2. Is stunt-blogging the new anal sex? (I swear this was written before your site got all ass-tastic on January 15th.)
Wait a second, anal sex is over? The only reason I've been putting up with all the drilling is because my boyfriend told me it was "in." I've got to call that sonofabitch right now. "Everyone's doing it" my ass.
3. If I met you in a dark alley, would you slay me with your razor-sharp wit or your carefully chosen, baritone-sung sentimental lyrics?
Listen, mister, when I'm in a dark alley, Im working. I don't have time to be singing songs or wielding wit. It's all about the blowjobs until I clock off.
Time travel question: What era, day or event in New York's history would you like to re-live?
Like so many New Yorkers, were I able to travel back in time I would go back to the day before Martin Scorcese started shooting "New York, New York," in the hopes of preventing this city's greatest tragedy. I mean, Robert DeNiro and Liza Minelli? What the fuck was he thinking?
9pm, Wednesday night - what are you doing?
Drinking copious amounts of bourbon on my fire escape and weeping into the sidewalk below.
What's your New York motto?
I dunno. What's the Latin for, "Lady, ya gotta move!"?
Best celebrity sighting in New York, or personal experience with one if you're that type.
Judd Hirsch once bummed a cigarette from me. At least I think it was Judd Hirsch. Elderly Jewish fella, looked like he hadn't found work in quite some time. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was Judd Hirsch.
Describe that low, low moment when you thought you just might have to leave NYC for good.
I was pretty depressed when Ruth Messinger ended our affair back in 1997 to focus on her political career. I was tempted to get out of town for a while, but then I realized that I was temperamentally unsuited for any other part of the country. Even Brooklyn. Especially Brooklyn. Anyway, Ruth and I got back together after the election, but the magic wasn't there anymore. Sad, really.
Just after midnight on a Saturday - what are you doing?
Assuming Ive remembered to pay the cable bill, masturbating to the Robyn Bird show.
Finish one of the four following sentences:
4) "It was 11:25, I just got off the L and there's a naked Crispin Glover lookalike in the cop booth..."
I'm not going to finish this sentence, but I bet a large number of the respondents who do come up with a scenario wherein the naked booth-dweller really is Crispin Glover. And of those responses, I bet about 75% of them are based on an actual incident.
Where do you summer?
I'm one of the hardy few who actually find it preferable to be in town during the summer. Everyone you hate is out at the Hamptons, dinner reservations are a snap to obtain, and you can walk the streets without fear of being run down by SUV-driving publicists. (How 2002 is this answer? Sorry.)
Who do you consider to be the greatest New Yorker of all-time? (Name up to three if you must.)
Hitler. Stalin. O'Malley. (Hey, Pete Hamill's made a career out of this. I want in.)
What was your best dining experience in NYC?
I once got in a bar fight with a sous-chef at Daniel over whether or not former New York Giant Mark Bavarro could eat a whole pig in one sitting. Later the kitchen staff admitted that he'd pissed in my food, and the whole meal, drinks and all, was comped. It was terrific, although the braised short ribs were tangier than usual, for some reason.
Just how much do you really love New York?
I love New York so much that I actually got the entire city subway map tattooed on my back. It took eleven hours, over two days. The next week they came out with the new map. Im still sort of bitter about this.
What happened the last time you went to L.A.?
Brad Pitt picked me up at the bar at Spago and we spent the rest of the night making passionate love. Okay, to make that sentence completely accurate replace "Brad Pitt" with "a toothless derelict," replace "Spago" with "Winchell's Donuts" and replace "making passionate love" with "gave each other cursory handjobs near the dumpster behind the Chateau Marmont." Okay, replace "toothless derelict" with "Mickey Rourke." I'm not proud, but it's all about being honest with yourself, right?
Medication: What and how much do you take?
I don't take anything. If chronic alcoholism as a desperate self-medicating device was good enough for my father, it's good enough for me.
Of all the movies made about (or highly associated with) New York, what role would you have liked to be cast in?
The Bob Balaban role in "Midnight Cowboy." He gets to blow Jon Voight and keep the watch? Oh, you Tinseltown dreamweavers!
If you could change one thing about New York, what would it be?
I'd like someone to sort out this whole "Ray's" thing for me.
The End of The World is finally happening. What are you going to do with your last 24 hours in NYC?
I'm not sure, but hopefully it won't happen on a Sunday. Because I burn about 20 of those hours trying to finish the Times.