Unable to score a mummified cronut necklace for your significant other this Valentine's Day? Well, you blew it, but perhaps there's hope for redemption: Consider naming a Madagascar hissing cockroach in your lover's name at the Bronx Zoo.

For $10, all of which goes toward the zoo's conservation efforts, you can name a cockroach anything you damn well please. Name one for your occasional hook-up buddy for whom no other gift seems quite appropriate. Name one for your ex in a passive-aggressive gesture that says just how you feel about them. Name one for yourself, if that's how this year is going so far.

If you're too cheap to cough up 10 bucks, just find a roach under your sink and drop it in a Russel Stover box. Guaranteed to...change...your sex life indelibly. I promise.