Imagine a universe in which you'd happily spend $500 to watch neatly-pressed men on horses push balls across a perfectly manicured lawn in New Jersey. It's not so far-fetched— just think about how much money you've saved reading Gothamist for free!

On Saturday May 30th, an East Hampton mirage, a.k.a the Eighth Annual Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic, will appear in Liberty State Park, that "green oasis in the middle of Metropolitan northern New Jersey." Of course, one of the nice things about being in New Jersey is that you get a spectacular view of New York City, which you may want to enhance with beverages from the bar. Here's the menu:

Yellow Label: $23/glass, $100/bottle Rosé: $26/glass, $120/bottle La Grande Dame: $275/bottle

Now that the foamy soap bubble of this fantasy has popped in your face, here's the bad news: All of the tickets that are even remotely within reason ($65) are already sold out. If you're curious, here are some tickets on StubHub, starting at $163.

But don't despair, tickets to the Rose Garden are still on sale. They cost $500, but come with one bottle of Veuve Clicquot Rosé Champagne per person, special VIP seating, and—the coup de grâce—"fast-pass line privileges for return ferry to Manhattan." Go ahead, live a little and feed off the hatred of the plebes who only paid $65 to watch the polo.

Of course, the next pressing question is WHAT DO I WEAR TO THIS RALPH LAUREN COMING OUT PARTY? Don't worry, Veuve Cliquot thought of everything, and set up a #ClicquotStyle photo stream just for you. If you're Pharell, try a baby pink shorts suit and a fedora. If you're Padma Lakshmi, try a seafoam beach throw with a keyhole cutout. If you're a guy who likes to wear plaid bowties, you probably don't have to try very hard at all.

Still stymied? The organizers encourage "gentlemen... to wear a linen summer suit and women are encouraged to wear summer dresses and their most daring of hats." We have a feeling they missed the Bonnet Bash.

The Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic will take place on May 30th, from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m., at Liberty State Park. Ticket purchase includes transportation to-and-from Liberty State Park from Manhattan or New Jersey. Transportation information comes with the ticket.