This weekend, The NY Times Presents: Brunch Hate Reads invites you to go on an enchanted journey filled with cute coffee shops and massive bedroom portraits as a 22-year-old "creative soul" travels from the English Midlands to The Big City on a quest to discover "authentic New York" real estate.

Wince as photographer Rowan Papier struggles to find a place for himself in this world, hopping from two-bedroom postwar condo to nondescript postwar condo to renovated two-bedroom in a building with a roof deck and a gym.

Dry your eyes as Papier finds his creative soul snuffed out in a cramped two-bedroom $2,300/month Chinatown apartment:

It was close to the Manhattan Bridge in Chinatown, “probably my least favorite neighborhood I’ve lived in,” he said. The streets were crowded and dirty. “I had no feeling of familiarity in Chinatown. I was craving a neighborhood with cute coffee shops, where you have brunch with friends.”

Sigh as Papier's quest leads him to such diverse neighborhoods as Greenwich Village, Lower East Side, and TriBeCa while juggling the specters of "space vs. recently renovated vs. neighborhood."

Begin feeling nauseous as Papier rejects a TriBeCa two-bedroom for $3900/month because "the ceilings were low and the building plain."

Retch as Papier rejects a Lower East Side two-bedroom because of tiny staircases and tiny closets.

Puke as Papier rejects a Nolita two-bedroom "a stone’s throw from Whole Foods" because a temporary wall had been removed.

Puke some more as Papier says things like, "I am envisioning a TriBeCa loft with character in Greenwich Village, which is kind of impossible to find."

Contemplate the acidic notes of your stomach lining as Papier finally decides on a $3700/month co-op building on Bleecker Street in Greenwich Village that matches his "aesthetic."

Smile through the acidity as you realize that the reason he chose this apartment was the high ceilings, all the better to "prominently [hang] an image of himself on one wall."

Find yourself finally able, with much effort, to puke the last of your insides as you realize you spent nearly five minutes reading this piece.

PSA: The NY Times has a weakness for self-parodying trend-baiting, masochistic Millennial obsessing, and the perverse lifestyles of the filthy rich. If a reporter with the Real Estate, Style or Weekend sections approaches you about a story, just smile gently and run in the opposite direction. No one is forcing you to become representative of everything that everyone hates about New Yorkers.