At the end of a brutally hot summer filled with bedbugs, Mosque debates and cat fashion shows, The Onion reports that New Yorkers have finally realized that the city is "nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants" and thus fled the city in a mass exodus:

"I always had this perverted sense of pride because I was managing to scrape by here," said Brooklyn resident Andrew McQuade, who, after watching two subway rats gnawing on a third bloody rat carcass, finally determined that New York City was a giant sprawling cancer. "Well, fuck that. I don't need to pay $2,000 a month to share a doghouse-sized apartment with some random Craigslist dipshit to prove my worth. I want to live like a goddamn human being."

Additionally, "3 million New Yorkers reportedly left the city because they realized the phrase 'Only in New York' is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing a naked man take a shit on a park bench is somehow endearing, or part of some shared cultural experience." [Via Daily Intel]