When a "luxury" bowling alley proclaims "This ain't your granddaddy's bowling alley," we immediately ask, "What's wrong with my granddaddy's bowling alley?"

Splitsville Luxury Lanes has managed to snag a spot at the hotly anticipated, $1.1 billion, 1.65-million-square-foot Essex Crossing, DNAinfo reports.

The chain, which already has locations in Texas, Florida, and Massachusetts, serves up such delicacies as chopped wedge salads, a crab rangoon sushi roll, and an Asian shrimp bowl. (Traditionalists will have to settle for those "classic crinkle-cut fries" ever so "lightly seasoned" with chive dip.)

Construction is scheduled to begin in June, but you've got until late 2017 to find a pair of chopsticks to match your bowling ball.