Halloween, a holiday for children and no one else, has become infiltrated with "sexy" costumes for adult idiots. Though everyone's got their own fetishes, these costumes are still often bizarre, meme-heavy, and occasionally offensive. In keeping with Halloween Internet tradition, we dredged up some of this year's most ridiculous "sexy" costumes—we do not recommend that you purchase any of these, but it's a free country and you may waste your money as you see fit.
We will start with a few gentle options—though these are quite common, they are still weird. Behold, for instance, the Sexy Mutant Ninja Turtle, a perfect fit for anyone who dreams of dating someone who lives in a sewer. You can also purchase a pants-less version of this costume.
The Sexy Detention Teacher is another favorite, because statutory rape is adorable.
And since there's nothing sexier than thinking about the challenges faced by incarcerated women in the United States, here is a Hot Prisoner costume.
Then, there's this Sexy Insane Asylum Patient outfit, which comes complete with the slug-line, "ANITA-SEDATIVE." Nothing gets the libido going quite like a strait jacket and the after-effects of electric shock therapy.
Incarcerated persons costumes aside, Halloween is the perfect time for cultural appropriation. A cursory sexy costume search yielded dozens of Sexy Native American outfits with names like "Sexy Adult Native American Princess," "Sexy Indian Sweetheart Costume," "Naughty Native Babe," and "Pocahottie." Please remember that despite what Disney taught you, Pocahontas was actually kidnapped by the English as a teenager and died in captivity at age 21. Pocahontas's is a sad story, but by all means, use her plight and the plight of Native Americans nationwide to get laid.
Sexy Geisha Doll costume also not recommended.
Then again, is cultural appropriation any worse than dressing like a Sexy Dictator?
More importantly, who are the people who want to bang a murderous child-shaped doll, and can we put them away somewhere?
Here's why old people hate millennials.
Ariel would have drowned in this.
Sexy Chewbacca! Also available: Sexy R2D2, Sexy C-3PO, Sexy Princess Leia, Sexy Jabba The Hut, Sexy Darth Vader, Sexy Stormtrooper, Sexy Yoda, Sexy Luke, Sexy Obi-Wan. Not available, inexplicably: Sexy Han Solo.
And now, for the food fetishists, a Sexy Gumball Machine!
A...wine...bottle.
In all fairness, cupcakes are always sexy.
Oh, I get it.
Well, everyone's into their own thing.
At least this one's successfully terrifying.
And last but not least, nothing says Sexy Halloween like dressing up like a murdered lion. For charity!
