Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before: this morning, rumors ran wild after British website reported that legendary rock band The Smiths were in talks to reform for a major fall tour. Pitchfork (warily) picked it up, Twitter almost imploded, and millions of charming men and women found themselves on the brink of comas. But of course, The Smiths are not reuniting. As Morrissey once said, "I would rather eat my own testicles than re-form The Smiths, and that's saying something for a vegetarian."

How we know The Smiths aren't reuniting:

  • claims the decision to reform was inspired by The Stone Roses reuniting. This makes absolutely no sense. You'd need Oasis to reunite as well before The Smiths even considered completing the Manchester Trilogy.
  • NME reports sources close to members of the band "strenuously denied" the rumors. If there was even a whiff of truth to the report, NME would scrap whatever it's working on and publish a new issue filled with incisive speculation about possible setlists and wardrobes today. NME would literally murder The Libertines if it got The Smiths to reunite.
  • Guitarist Johnny Marr posted on his official Facebook page: "The rumours of the Smiths reunion is untrue. It's not happening.[sic]"
  • Marr had previously said that the band would only reunite if the UK coalition government stepped down—that has not happened. Nor would it (most likely).
  • Here's another quote from Morrissey about a possible reunion: "Why? What's the point? Just to satisfy other people's nostalgia? That's all it is—nostalgia! No, I can't see any reason for it; I do not see the point. But if anybody does, I'd be delighted to hear it. I don't think there is any (unfinished business). I really don't. Really, I'm okay by myself... And I don't say that to have a dig at anybody else. So, no, I do not see the point of it, it eludes me."
  • Morrissey has not eaten his testicles (as of the time of publishing).

So no matter how many times you listen to "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want" on repeat, it's not happening. Just about every other band we've ever loved that broke up has been tempted by the reunion carrot (Pixies, Pavement, Blur, Guided By Voices, Van Halen, Backstreet Boys). But The Smiths—along with the original Talking Heads, Pink Floyd and Guns 'N' Roses—are never getting back together because certain members hate other members too much. Oh, and testicles are not vegetarian.