This week, micro penis owners all over Brooklyn were given a jolt when Kings County Bar announced their first annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant—the ultimate wet t-shirt contest for infinitesimal penises. We asked bar manager Aimee Arciuolo about what inspired them to start such a tradition, and it turned out to be based in some very personal experiences: "The discussion came about after I had an exceptionally fun and amazing romp with a man who was less than endowed—it was actually shockingly tiny, like the size of an acorn," she told us.
"He came right out and said, 'Yes, I know, I've got a little pecker. But don't you worry, we are going to have fun.' And it was great! That guy seriously smashed it UP in the bedroom," she said. Arciuolo discovered afterwards that many of her girlfriends had had similar experiences; they agreed that "guys like that deserve a prize, and we should hold a goddamn pageant for them! It should be celebrated, rather than a source of shame!"
"The Contest" will be held on Saturday, July 20th starting at 5 p.m. at the bar, located at 286 Siegel Street near the Morgan Avenue L train. You don't have to worry about going completely nude if you participate, even if you are totally proud of your lilliputian penis: "While nudity is not required, contestants should expect to wear wet underwear (which will be provided)." Aimee gave us more details about the size requirements:
There will be no maximum size requirement to enter, but obvious show-offs will be heckled. I do expect there will be a few giant dicks that come to show off, but if they are over eight inches they will be disqualified and forced to buy a round for the judges. We will provide the gentlemen with a pair of white tighty whitey's with the SPB logo, and the wetting process will involve water pistols.
There will be two rounds in the contest ("swimwear and eveningwear"), as well as a question-and-answer section in which contestants can share "stories from below the belt. We feel that discussing the issue of teeny peenies will turn embarrassing stories into empowerment."
As for the reactions so far, they have been pretty mixed: "Our straight male friends and regulars have told me this is the worst idea ever, eyes rolling, huffy puffy and insulted," Arciuolo told us. "Our female friends and regulars are so excited and have all volunteered their time and energy in construction of the sets, sashes, crowns and scepters."
"We hope all kinds of men will apply—we have a few brave contestants already—this is obviously a pageant for confident people with a sense of humor!" If you don't bat an eyelash in the face of shrinkage, you can email firstname.lastname@example.org to enter.