Has Charlie Sheen gone too far, or not far enough? Whatever you think about his off-screen exploits, you've got to admit that in this age of sterile, stage-managed celebrities, Sheen's totally uncensored burnout has been as wildly entertaining as it is troubling. What makes this enthralling is that The MaSheen just doesn't give a damn, and this morning he vowed to show up for work on the set of Two and a Half Men, even though CBS canceled the rest of the season. More on that in a minute, but during his infamous radio appearance yesterday, he gave his "beautiful and loyal fans" so much to savor. You can listen to it in its entirety below, but here are our favorite Sheenisms:
- On his enemies: "I am a battle-tested bayonet... I’m dealing with fools and trolls, dealing with soft targets and its just, you know its just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee."
- On English: "Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep."
- On women: "Let me just say this about the goddesses, I don’t believe the term is good enough, but when you’re bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best choice available, right?"
- On censorship: "I’m tired of being told 'well you can’t talk about that and you can’t talk about that' BULL S-H-I-T."
- On war: The MaSheen claims to have an "army of assassins" and "poetry at my fingertips most of the time and this includes naps. I’m an F-18 and I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my ordnance to the ground."
- On Thomas Jefferson: "I'm not Thomas Jefferson! He was a pussy."
- On AA: Their motto is "'Don't be special. Be one of us.' News flash: I am special and I will never be one of you."
We take comfort in that. The interview also included what some are calling an anti-Semitic insult against one of the show's producers, Charles Levine: "I just think it’s deplorable that a certain Heim Levine, that’s Chuck’s real name by the way, mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy bro... Ok last I checked Haim, I’ve spent, I think, I don’t know, the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into gold and the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write. Clearly someone who believes he is above the law. Well, you’ve been warned dude. Bring it." The AP reports that Levine's birth name is in fact Charles.
After the interview, CBS pulled the plug on the rest of the season, but this morning Sheen texted Good Morning America with more good stuff. (He also sent an open letter that appeared on TMZ, describing Levine as a "contaminated little maggot" and challenging him to a fight "in the octagon.") Sheen told GMA he is 100 percent sober and plans to show up for work despite CBS's halting this season's production. He also says he's in talks with HBO about starting his own show called "Sheen's Corner." Because that's exactly what The MaSheen needs right now: another reason to hang out on the corner.