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A Guide To Manhattan's Roadside Attractions

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Smooth out those driving scarves and get ready to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0D9mDHPY0RA">ruin some foul-mouthed truckers</a>, 'cause we're going on a road trip! In addition to its innumerable other charms, the island of Manhattan is a den of offbeat, bizarre, campy attractions that would feel right at home on any dusty roadside in middle America. Luckily, you don't have to slog through vast deserted stretches of Iowa before stumbling across something awesome; the riches are densely packed and interspersed not with tumble weeds, but Chase banks, and the locals are friendly (sometimes)!We strapped on our bike helmets (because let's face it, no one wants to park in Manhattan) and visited the most notable of New York City's under-explored landmarks. Throw your bulky vinyl luggage in the metaphorical trunk and let's get going while we've still got the light!

(Photo by Tod Seelie/Gothamist)

TRAILER PARK LOUNGE (271 W 23rd St)Of all the attractions on this list, Trailer Park Lounge is by far the most evocative of an old-school road trip. Push through the heavy security door into a tropical oasis of kitsch, a roomy restaurant that's one part Florida roadhouse, two parts your senescent great aunt's cluttered attic (also located in Florida). It's everything you've ever lightly fingered at a yard sale, but put back down at the urging of your more sensible S.O: "Bill, where are we going to put a mannequin leaning out of a clawfoot bathtub?"Trailer Park Lounge is more expensive than it should be, but it's hard not to get caught up in the tide of thematic drinks and bites. After all, you're on vacation. Put your diet in a suitcase and load it onto a transnational Greyhound bus, because youâll probably want the chili bacon cheese tots, which come in a massive mound the size of a lounge singer's makeup kit. Also allow me to highly recommend the beerita, comprised of a reasonably sized margarita (as opposed to Dallas BBQ sized) with an upturned Corona flowing freely into its murky depths. With any luck TPL will continue its reign as a Chelsea mainstay long into the future (it's been there 15 years), but go now, just in case it gets turned into a Blink Fitness. <form class="mt-enclosure mt-enclosure-image" mt:asset-id="972060" style="display: inline;"> <img alt="phppXxoINPM.jpg" class="image-none" height="426" src="http://gothamist.com/attachments/arts_jen/phppXxoINPM.jpg" width="640"/> </form>(Photo by <a href="http://todseelie.com">Tod Seelie</a>/Gothamist)<form class="mt-enclosure mt-enclosure-image" mt:asset-id="972059" style="display: inline;"> <img alt="phpffhQepPM.jpg" class="image-none" height="426" src="http://gothamist.com/attachments/arts_jen/phpffhQepPM.jpg" width="640"/> </form>(Photo by <a href="http://todseelie.com">Tod Seelie</a>/Gothamist)<form class="mt-enclosure mt-enclosure-image" mt:asset-id="972070" style="display: inline;"> <img alt="phpxrtBQUPM.jpg" class="image-none" height="426" src="http://gothamist.com/attachments/arts_jen/phpxrtBQUPM.jpg" width="640"/> </form>(Photo by <a href="http://todseelie.com">Tod Seelie</a>/Gothamist)

(Photo by Tod Seelie/Gothamist)

THE BIGGEST SLICE OF PIZZA (2848 and 4087 Broadway)Koronet is not the best pizza in NYC. It is probably not the 10th best or 30th best, either. "It is only OK," said one native Manhattanite when interviewed for this story. Another offered this:<blockquote>Koronet is a life-saver when you're that special kind of drunk where one slice of pizza isn't enough, but a stromboli is too much and too messy. While it might not be the best pizza in the neighborhood (that'd be V&T by a country mile), it's a good bargain for its size and the single best place in Morningside Heights for late-night people watching.</blockquote>Indeed, its superlative is squarely in its size: a full Koronet pizza is the size of a backyard trampoline, and a slice of it is the size of a pennant flag. Does anyone need to ingest that much pizza? Ask me again when I've just spent the night drinking beer. And you can always share it with a new friend, 'Lady and the Tramp' style. <form class="mt-enclosure mt-enclosure-image" mt:asset-id="972047" style="display: inline;"> <img alt="php1rGiHfPM.jpg" class="image-none" height="426" src="http://gothamist.com/attachments/arts_jen/php1rGiHfPM.jpg" width="640"/> </form>(Photo by <a href="http://todseelie.com">Tod Seelie</a>/Gothamist)

(Photo by Tod Seelie/Gothamist)

The Burger Joint

Tod Seelie/Gothamist

GREENWICH LOCKSMITH (56 7th Ave S)Greenwich Locksmith is only 125-square-feet, but it packs a punch. Phil Mortillaro has owned the diminutive storefront for 36 years, but it was only a few years ago that he turned the facade into its own work of art. Keys layered over more keys meld together to form textured, serpentine patterns, adding a dash of phantasmagoria to the typically dull chore of having keys made. Look closely and you'll make out Van Gogh's 'Starry Night' in there, too. Mortillaro tells me that he's been making keys since 1964, and that he originally operated out of a different building around the corner. But when the landlord raised the rent from $400 per month to the untenable sum of $1,700, Mortillaro knew it was time to move. He bought his current space for $20,000, but its small, funky shaped interior hasn't discouraged massive corporations from doing their damnedest to snuff out independently owned businesses in NYC. Chase Bank recently offered him $2 million to turn the store into an ATM kiosk. When he told me that, my breath caught in my chest: not another one. But Mortillaro isn't going to bite; not this bait, not any. "Every time I said no, they went higher on the price," he chuckled. "But that's not going to happen. This is where I'll spend the rest of my life." Bravo, Greenwich Locksmith. If you get keys made there (and you should!), you'll be in the company of the many celebrities who live in the area. Mortillaro is good at his job; he refused to disclose any names, but the impression I was left with was "all of them." <form class="mt-enclosure mt-enclosure-image" mt:asset-id="972044" style="display: inline;"> <img alt="php2BZsCKPM.jpg" class="image-none" height="426" src="http://gothamist.com/attachments/arts_jen/php2BZsCKPM.jpg" width="640"/> </form>(Photo by <a href="http://todseelie.com">Tod Seelie</a>/Gothamist)<form class="mt-enclosure mt-enclosure-image" mt:asset-id="972045" style="display: inline;"> <img alt="phppANxFnPM.jpg" class="image-none" height="426" src="http://gothamist.com/attachments/arts_jen/phppANxFnPM.jpg" width="640"/> </form>(Photo by <a href="http://todseelie.com">Tod Seelie</a>/Gothamist)<form class="mt-enclosure mt-enclosure-image" mt:asset-id="972071" style="display: inline;"> <img alt="phpr5iITxPM.jpg" class="image-none" height="426" src="http://gothamist.com/attachments/arts_jen/phpr5iITxPM.jpg" width="640"/> </form>(Photo by <a href="http://todseelie.com">Tod Seelie</a>/Gothamist)

(Photo by Tod Seelie/Gothamist)

HESS TRIANGLE (110 7th Ave S)You have doubtless trespassed through New York City's smallest piece of private property without meaning to, you terrible scofflaw. <a href="http://gothamist.com/tags/hesstriangle">Hess Triangle</a>, located outside a cigar shop on 7th Avenue and Christopher Street, is around the size of a slice of Koronet pizza, but <a href="http://gothamist.com/2015/04/09/hess_triangle_history.php">its history is much more than the sum of its parts</a>. In 1910, the city employed eminent domain to knock down some 300 buildings to make way for subway lines, but one building owner wasnât having it. David Hess fought for years to keep his property, but eventually succumbed to the inevitable in 1914. The 500-square inch triangle of property was all that remained, and the city had the poor taste to ask that he donate it to become part of the sidewalk. As a symbolic "fuck you," Hess refused, using his negligible slice of land to display the words, in tile, "Property of the Hess Estate Which Has Never Been Dedicated For Public Purposes." Good on you, Hess. The tiles are a bit broken now, but the message embodies an important ethos: don't bow to power, even after the battle is lost. <form class="mt-enclosure mt-enclosure-image" mt:asset-id="972072" style="display: inline;"> <img alt="newvillagetri15-1.jpg" class="image-none" height="427" src="http://gothamist.com/attachments/arts_jen/newvillagetri15-1.jpg" width="640"/> </form>(Photo by <a href="http://saimokhtari.com/">Sai Mokhtari</a>/Gothamist)

(Photo by Tod Seelie/Gothamist)

BIG 9 SCULPTUREWhy is this 9 here? It's giant to the point of being aggressive, blocking the sidewalk and grandiosely demanding that pedestrians move around it. As photographer Tod Seelie put it, it's as though the 9 were saying, "Fuck you, I'm here," which it surely says in a New York brogue thicker than a slice of Katz's corned beef. Designed by graphic artist Ivan Chermayeff in 1974, the two-ton sculpture was plopped in front of the Solow Building as "a response to the complaints that the buildingâs sloping reflecting walls revealed unappealing sides of the neighboring historic buildings that were previously obscured." The 9, then, was to distract from those walls. Nowadays, it also functions as an effective trap for pedestrians too blinded by their phones to watch where they're going. In a city that's built its brand on economizing space, it's nice to see a bit of real estate as prime as a crowded sidewalk dedicated to nothing but a big, fat 9.

(Photo by Tod Seelie/Gothamist)

BARTMAN (6th Ave between 47th and 48th streets)When I'm forced to walk by the New Corp. building, my attention is usually trained on the windows, hoping to catch a glimpse of Rupert Murdoch beheading disobedient Post reporters in his corner office. That means I've missed countless opportunities to check out Bartman, a bronze bust of Bart Simpson wearing a cape. <a href="http://gothamist.com/2015/05/02/video_bart_simpsons_unveils_bart_si.php">Bartman is cool</a>, but his backstory makes him even better: the artist behind the work is Nancy Cartwright, the actress who does Bart's voice. Cartwright has no formal training in sculpture beyond an hour-long class she once took, but that didn't stop her from taking a crack at molding Bartâs likeness. "I had seen other people work with clay, and there was something inside me...I had this innate knowing that I could sculpt," she told the Post. "It's a different kind of artistic gratification than I get from creating voices."The whole thing took around 20 hours. And what have you done so far today?

(Photo by Tod Seelie/Gothamist)

MR. PEANUT KINENTIC SCULPTURE (In the NJ Transit 7th Ave. Concourse)If you want to see what I assume is the finest artwork in all of Penn Station, head straight to NJ Transit, directly across from tracks 5 and 6. Shuffle on past a couple of laconic passengers absorbed with FaceTime or a tray of Chinese food and up to the glass window: Here it is! But... what is it?Built in 2002 by sculptor George Greenamyer, the characters bobbing by are meant, improbably, to depict the state of New Jersey: there's Mr. Peanut holding Lucy the Elephant, there's the Jersey Devil, there's George Washington, the Hindenburg, and Miss America. There's a very long line for a public bath house, and a large pitcher bearing the words "Battle of Monmouth," which is evidently on behalf of Molly Pitcher, a nickname of a woman who reportedly fought in the battle undercover. The whole thing is hypnotic, and I'm sure you could spend the duration of your wait unearthing a myriad of in-jokes before the train shows up to whisk you away to scenic Trenton.<form class="mt-enclosure mt-enclosure-image" mt:asset-id="972053" style="display: inline;"> <img alt="phpYUkbqePM.jpg" class="image-none" height="426" src="http://gothamist.com/attachments/arts_jen/phpYUkbqePM.jpg" width="640"/> </form>(Photo by <a href="http://todseelie.com">Tod Seelie</a>/Gothamist)<form class="mt-enclosure mt-enclosure-image" mt:asset-id="972065" style="display: inline;"> <img alt="php3iut2TPM.jpg" class="image-none" height="426" src="http://gothamist.com/attachments/arts_jen/php3iut2TPM.jpg" width="640"/> </form>(Photo by <a href="http://todseelie.com">Tod Seelie</a>/Gothamist)

(Photo by Tod Seelie/Gothamist)

EL SABROSO (265 W 37th St)When you think about grabbing lunch in Midtown, you don't usually think you'll find it tucked into the freight entrance of a building filled with delivery men pushing along racks of dry cleaning. But! <a href="http://gothamist.com/2012/09/27/el_sabroso_where_you_can_eat_lunch.php#photo-1">El Sabroso is a gem</a> in that way. The hearty plates (beef stew, oxtail, chicken, etc.) with beans and rice will probably prompt you to fall fast asleep the second you return to your desk, but you don't have to worry about that yet. Join the steady trickle of local workers and settle into one of the scattered chairs or stools arranged under the harsh florescent light. After all, what's more Midtown than a freight entrance? <form class="mt-enclosure mt-enclosure-image" mt:asset-id="972056" style="display: inline;"> <img alt="php0IGQMQPM.jpg" class="image-none" height="426" src="http://gothamist.com/attachments/arts_jen/php0IGQMQPM.jpg" width="640"/> </form>(Photo by <a href="http://todseelie.com">Tod Seelie</a>/Gothamist)

(Photo by Tod Seelie/Gothamist)

A CHUNK OF THE BERLIN WALL (520 Madison Ave)No one ever expects to walk into the lobby of an office building and find themselves face-to-face with a 20-foot-long section of the Berlin Wall, but sometimes, it just happens anyway. The 33,000 pound wall segment was brought to Manhattan in 1990 by real estate mogul Jerry Speyer, who initially placed it in the plaza behind 520 Madison Avenue at 53rd Street. It was removed for what the Times described as a "painstaking conservation job" before being returned last year, placed this time immediately inside the buildingâs lobby. It suffered some other indignities, like being splashed gently with mist from an adjacent waterfall, causing the concrete to crack and some of the paint to flake off. When a chunk finally fell off the base, the entire thing was shipped off to New Jersey for restoration. Asked about the wall, one man working behind the building's front desk put it like this: "When you have over $4 billion, you can have whatever you want." Ain't that the truth.

(Photo by Tod Seelie/Gothamist)

MOTHER CABRINI SHRINE (701 Fort Washington Ave)I was curious to see where her caretakers would decide to house the body of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frances_Xavier_Cabrini">St. Frances Xavier Cabrini</a>, who after being canonized in 1946 became the first American saint. I was not expecting her to be wedged under the altar at her namesake chapel, but that is indeed where I found her, hands across her chest in repose. Only, Mother Cabrini's hands were not, in fact, her own: theyâd long been replaced by synthetic stand-ins, which made you wonder where the originals had gotten off to?It turns out that Mother Cabrini's body has been dispersed all over the world: Her right arm is in Chicago, her skull is currently in Rome and her heart is in Codogno, Italy. What remains of her actual corpse here was covered by a long black gown. I asked a guard if I could slip past the velvet ropes protecting Mother Cabrini from churchgoers (and at least today, a trio of teens taking duckface selfies in front of her body). "Yes," he said nervously. "But please donât touch anything." I got my face very close to the glass. There were some lumpy imperfections in her corpse, but this, of course, does not diminish her considerable accomplishments in life: after arriving in NYC in 1889, she quickly got to work founding schools, orphanages and hospitals: at the time of her death in 1917, she had established a total of 67 institutions across the U.S., as well as South America and Europe. <form class="mt-enclosure mt-enclosure-image" mt:asset-id="972039" style="display: inline;"> <img alt="phpXUq521PM.jpg" class="image-none" height="426" src="http://gothamist.com/attachments/arts_jen/phpXUq521PM.jpg" width="640"/> </form>(Photo by <a href="http://todseelie.com">Tod Seelie</a>/Gothamist)<form class="mt-enclosure mt-enclosure-image" mt:asset-id="972069" style="display: inline;"> <img alt="php7n2XLtPM.jpg" class="image-none" height="426" src="http://gothamist.com/attachments/arts_jen/php7n2XLtPM.jpg" width="640"/> </form>(Photo by <a href="http://todseelie.com">Tod Seelie</a>/Gothamist)

(Photo by Tod Seelie/Gothamist)