It's really nice out today, or so I'm told. I just hope we can all agree it's "nice" in an unnerving, *Southern orator voice* unnatural way. Whenever I hear anyone remark, "Wow it's so nice out!" in winter when in fact it's freakishly warm, something always compels me to prop their eyes open Clockwork Orange style and force them to watch An Inconvenient Truth on repeat until they agree to feel overwhelming shame and regret. (I have a whole setup for this in my apartment—or as I call it, The Shame Shack—with the chair restraints and everything. Never been convicted!) The fact that we're experiencing record-breaking 62 degree weather in NYC in February is not nice or lovely, it's a symptom of a major fucking global problem that our current practical joke of a President is only going to inflame.

But sure, enjoy today's alarming weather. I'll be sitting in front of my computer silently judging every last one of you lucky bastards who got to go outside. We'll all pay for it tomorrow when we get a foot of snow and New York City drowns in the ensuing slush lagoons.