On Tuesday morning, Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that absolutely nothing can stop decorative gourd season, m*therf*ckers. Corn mazes, apple picking, pumpkin patches, hayrides, Mr. Autumn Man Walking Down Street With Cup Of Coffee, Wearing Sweater Over Plaid Collared Shirt, and haunted houses will all be allowed to operate during our Pandemic Autumn.

These agritourism businesses "are considered low-risk outdoor arts and entertainment and are permitted to operate under New York's NY Forward guidance," a release from the Governor's office stated, and will also include the State's farmers' markets and craft beverage trails.

Sadly, petting zoos will still not be permitted. However, while not official state guidance, Pandemic Law dictates that you may bring a Thermos of robust red wine, PSL, or straight maple syrup to toast to the end of Sweaty Summertime, and the beginning of Magical Fall, the best season, even in these worst of times.

Per the release, this new guidance includes, but is not limited to:

Corn Mazes - permitted consistent with Low Risk Outdoor Arts and Entertainment guidance and the following conditions:

  • Reduced capacity
  • Face coverings required
  • Social distance maintained between individuals/parties

Hayrides - permitted consistent with Public Transportation guidance and the following conditions:

  • Mandatory face coverings
  • Social distance required between individuals/parties
  • Frequently touched surfaces, such as handrails, cleaned and sanitized between rides

Pick-Your-Own Fruit/Vegetables Operations - permitted consistent with Low Risk Outdoor Arts and Entertainment guidance and the following conditions:

  • Reduced capacity
  • Face coverings required
  • Social distance maintained between individuals/parties.

Haunted Houses - permitted consistent with Low Risk Indoor Arts and Entertainment guidance and the following conditions:

  • Reduced capacity
  • Face coverings required
  • Social distance maintained between individuals/parties

Nothing like capping off six months of pure pandemic fear and anxiety with a trip to the local haunted house, where strangers can scream at and near you in an enclosed space.