Have you heard the news? The filthy dirt-eating mouth breathers of New York City will be permitted to soil the pristine air of Gramercy Park for one brutally coarse hour this month. The gates of Manhattan's only private park, which is normally a tranquil oasis reserved for New York's most sophisticated aristocrats, will be flung open on Christmas Eve at 6 p.m., letting any knuckle-dragging blackguard or slatternly termagant trample all over it for sixty disgraceful minutes.

It's unclear if the "public" will enter Gramercy Park through a temporary poor door or if they'll be launched over the fence via human slingshot, but once the clock strikes 7 they'll be blasted out with firehoses so that workers can immediately begin the long process of cleaning.

Apparently this brief sop to the insignificant non-key holders is an annual tradition (we're guessing there's some end-of-year tax break involved). And in addition to tainting Gramercy Park with their presence, the keyless masses will also be singing. We're told the musical director at Calvary Episcopal Church, located next door to Gramercy Park, will be leading the rabble in so-called "carols," presumably detailing their vulgar Christmas traditions in Hollis. Gramercy residents who have not yet installed soundproof double-paned windows are advised to do so immediately.