When news broke Monday afternoon of an evil clown terrorizing the sleepy waterfront town of Staten Island, residents and greater New Yorkers alike were both frightened and skeptical. How could this be anything but a hoax? Aren't all the clowns on Staten Island already booked for sad birthday parties at the new Dairy Queen until the end of time or SI sinks, whichever comes first?

Comedian Vic Dibitetto, who captured the clown on video last week, denies playing a part in the scam despite his affiliation with Fuzz On The Lens Productions (the production company allegedly tied to the clown). Dibitetto has this great bit where he talks about being Italian in a heavy Italian accent and how the furniture is always covered in plastic! Gabagoul.

As a helpful guide when dealing with comedians or clowns, here are the questions you must ask yourself:

Is this person a comedian?
Why?
Does this person really like stand-up comedy?
Why?
Could you reasonably expect this individual to base any part of their personal philosophical outlook on a comedy routine?
Dear God, why?
Is this person a clown?
Why?
Have you ever known a clown personally?
Why!?

Answering yes to any of these questions will compel you to explain why, and then your path forward will be clear. That path forward will most likely involve disregarding all past and future advice or arming yourself and fleeing into the woods, depending on the situation. If you encounter a clown comedian you must leave the area immediately. Do not scream, as that will agitate the creature, nor greet it, as pleasantries will be interpreted as some kind of perverse invitation to practice their routine. "So I was at this kid's birthday party..."

And now for, without a trace of nostalgia, the only scary clown that has ever mattered.