Before you draw any immediate conclusions from the photo above, keep in mind the following: there is no such thing as the Chupacabra (except in the Puerto Rican town of Canóvanas on the night of a full moon) and the Montauk Monster is probably more of a Resort Raccoon. So what is this beast that washed up on Long Beach yesterday? A spokesman for Dads Who Use Monster Folklore For Efficient Parenting tells us that it's probably one of his brethren furthering the cause. "This is some high quality work," the flack says, "Look at how its face is slightly obscured but its teeth are bared. And all the realistic entrail-foam!"
The DWUMFEP spokesman explains the mission of the shadowy guild: "It's just a helluva lot easier to say, 'If you don't eat your broccoli, the slippery winged eel will fly into your room tonight and slither in your ear.' So we gotta do everything we can to keep the fear of monsters alive in our kids' tiny beating hearts." DWUMFEP has also made strides in the coveted 12-16 year-old demo: "Those are the hardest, but you'd be surprised how fast a 14-year-old will take the trash out if you tell him you cleaned up a mysterious blood trail and matted fur in the back yard. This photo will ensure that homework is done promptly for a long, long time."
He adds: "I wonder how many hours it took this guy to paint the detail on that fake bird in the corner. This has Phil Johnston written all over it," referring to an acquaintance with three kids who "has a massive garage that his wife never even goes into, and plenty of free time."