Larry David took to the stripper couch for a long and engaging chat with Howard Stern this week that touched upon David's whole career, from SNL to Seinfeld, from Curb Your Enthusiasm to his upcoming Broadway debut, Fish In The Dark. You can read a partial transcript here, or listen to the whole thing below.

"People always say to me, 'you and Larry should be friends. You and Larry are the same guy,'" Stern said to start the conversation. "Yeah, I get the same thing," David responded. "Larry, argue why we shouldn't be friends," said Stern. "Because we're both, deep down, despicable people!" David exclaims while laughing. "Two're a legendary miserable guy," Stern said. "That's not really true...I have a very good disposition, I think."

Some highlights of the chat:

  • They discuss David's childhood, growing up in Brooklyn without much encouragement from his teachers and no idea what he wanted to do with himself
  • David joining the Army Reserve to avoid Vietnam; he had to wear a wig to hide his Jew fro; and he ultimately pretended to be "stark raving mad" to get out of it
  • He talked about driving a cab and limo around NYC in the early part of his career
  • There was a lot of talk about his "utter failure" to get any sketches on at SNL when he was a writer during the 1984-1985 season; the Seinfeld episode in which George quits his job and then just goes back in on Monday is based off David quitting SNL (“This fucking show stinks!” he yelled at showrunner Dick Ebersol) then returning after the weekend and hoping nobody noticed; he was inspired by the (real-life) Kenny Kramer to do so, appropriately
  • There's a lot of talk about Seinfeld era; which plots were based on real life; how many times David threatened to quit the show because it was all too much; and how much he loves Jerry in real life
  • David revealed he thinks cursing can lead to "cheap laughs," and often takes it out of Curb episodes (only using it sparingly)
  • They discussed the rumors of his $800 million+ fortune. From the transcript: "Howard said Larry and Jerry have made a fortune. Howard said he knows he doesn't like to talk about money. Larry said that the reports are so insane. He said that it's nothing like what they say. He said he won't say exact numbers but it's so untrue. Larry said when he was married half of it went in the divorce. Howard asked if it killed him to give that money away. Larry said no. Howard said he beat the odds though. He said he did all of that hard work to make that money. Larry said it didn't affect his life in any way. He said the money didn't matter. He said that he's okay with what she has because that money will go to their kids either way."
  • They talked about picking up the check (apparently, Richard Lewis and Martin Short are very generous)
  • David sounded slightly terrified that Fish In The Dark could be a hit, especially since they're doing eight shows a week
  • David cites Woody Allen and Mel Brooks as probably his biggest (comedic) influences
  • David has apparently never owned a camera or taken a photograph (but he does love FaceTime)
  • As for more Curb, David basically stuck to the same answers he gave Grantland, saying it's unlikely but still possible. He raised the notion of doing a Curb movie for HBO though
  • David's mother's dream was for Larry to be a postal worker
  • David is not a big masturbator; he also has not made love to a Palestinian woman
  • And finally, David thinks he'd make a great coach for the Jets, who is a passionate fan of apparently: "I think just with a little studying, I think I could be a tremendous offensive coordinator, and defensive coordinator. I see many things that I know I could fix," he noted. When I was a kid and we used to play football in the parking lot, I would design very good plays...Why couldn’t I do that? Other people do it, why not me?"