Besides a few notable exceptions, celebrities who spend significant time in NYC are all pretty chill. David Schwimmer is aiding police investigations, Trey Anastasio gives out supplies during crises, and Jake Gyllenhaal is the subway spirit we deserve. But there is only one celebrity who is so chill he'll wait outside for 20 minutes to get into his own party: Keanu Reeves.
The Post, in one of their finest pieces of journalism in years, has the report about Reeves patiently waiting in the rain for about 20 minutes to get into his own wrap party in Chelsea for Daughter of God. Some celebs might have a temper tantrum over having to wait for bread sticks—but Keanu has transcended such petty inconveniences.
"Keanu was really patiently waiting," celebrity chauffeur Ronny Sunshine told the Post. "I don’t think he said anything to the bouncer, like, 'I’m Keanu.' No one recognized him." Keanu Reeves is so chill he might actually be an elderly man with a weak immune system.
"Keanu looks very ordinary," Sunshine added. "It was raining, but he just waited for his two friends to come. He didn’t act like he had money. I just thought he was a rock ’n’ roller." This is because Keanu Reeves is so devoid of ego he might have been created in a lab by Timothy Leary.
"I didn’t know he was kept waiting, and he didn’t say anything to me," said Noel Ashman, owner of the lounge the Leonora. "He’s a very relaxed person." Keanu Reeves is so relaxed that scientists have started using his blood as a horse tranquilizer.
On top of all this, once he actually got inside the party (for which he was one of the main guests), Keanu found somebody's credit card and immediately set about finding them. "Hey, Don Jonas!" he reportedly said, interrupting the music on a microphone. "I found your credit card outside, come see me and I’ll return it." Keanu Reeves is so chill that there was a documentary made about him in 1989 and people still don't realize it was cinéma-vérité.
Let's be honest: you are not chill. You get upset when Brands do stupid things; your blood boils if you have to spend more than 5 seconds walking behind a tourist; sitting, eating and wearing clothing is killing you. You will never win a chill contest this way.
So here are some helpful tips to becoming as chill as Keanu:
- Always give up your subway seat for another human being, even when there are plenty of empty seats around you.
- Donate to lots of varied charities.
- Don't have a cow if someone breaks into your house at 4 a.m. Just calmly speak to them and maybe pour them a glass of orange juice.
- Don't even contemplate installing a better home security system after such an incident, even if a second person breaks into your house and goes skinny-dipping in your pool. Security systems are so unchill they're practically hot flashes.
- Declare "Love Will Tear Us Apart" as your favorite song. Joy Division had sub-atomic chill.
- If you don't get that promotion that you were hoping for, don't worry! Keanu really wanted to be Wolverine or Batman, but it's all cool man: "It sucks, but it's just the way it is."
- Celebrate your birthday with a solitary cupcake outside a warehouse.
- And never forget: God gave us baseball caps to wear backwards.
