2007_04_julian_mccullough.jpgJulian McCullough's a highly sought after comic in the New York scene. He just recorded a killer set for Comedy Central's Live at Gotham and this month he's opening for the likes of Colin Quinn and Richard Lewis. But it's not just headliners that love him. His peers sing his praises too. Just ask VH1 Commentator and comedian John Mulaney. "What makes Julian so damn good is that he is a comic with smart, really well written jokes. You can put him in front of any crowd and he can gauge the room, work with it, and then crush with his material."

There are over 2 million single women living in NYC. How many of them know the name Julian McCullough?
Actually there are 1,657,432 single women in New York. I don't know who does your research but I'm out there pounding the pavement every night.

What are some ways that comedy is like a woman?
Comedy loves it when you wake it up in the morning by poking it in the back with your erection. That and I'm obsessed with both.

You spent a lot of time emceeing an open mic in Jersey. Do you have any stories of dealing with crazies?
Some of the guys that do open mics are barely functional people in life. They are so crazy and sad that I've pretty much blocked them out.

What are some of your favorite heckles that you've heard as an emcee?
I'll reveal a secret. The sarcastic laugh is impossible to beat. If an audience member stumbles on this comedy kryptonite it is very difficult to beat.

New Jersey recently changed their state slogan to "Come see for yourself." what do you think is a more appropriate state slogan?
"Easy access to New York!" or
"Sorry :(" or
"Please. We're so lonely."

How long have you been doing stand up?
About six years.

Would you say that a comedy club is a good place to bring a date?
Of course. Women love to laugh. So let the comedians inflate the tires and then you get to ride the bike. (That was a metaphor for sex later.)

Do you have any stories of getting into a fight or argument with a drunken audience member?
I think certain guys have acts that promote heckling, but I don't have one of them. I rarely get hecklers and when I do it's easy to bury. If you can't beat a guy when you have experience, a spotlight, and a mic you have no business being on stage.

What are your earliest memories of comedy of seeing or hearing things that made you laugh?
This will sound weird but I remember having a religious experience laughing extremely hard at the Harlem Globetrotters when I was like five. A guy kicked the ball into the hoop from half court! What?!

Are you able to pinpoint the first time that you were consciously aware that you were able to make people laugh.
I was at a grown up party with my parents when I was like six. These women were talking to me because I was the only little kid there. This one lady said I was cute. I thought she was pretty so I said, "My mom said I could sleep over," and they all went nuts. A week later I did letterman.

Did your humor ever get you in trouble in school or save you from a fistfight?
In seventh grade I wrote a funny story about a guy who committed suicide because he hated his name. It got rejected by the school newspaper but I flirted with the girl who put it all together before printing and she put it in. I got in a lot of trouble for that. The last line of the story was, "No nicknames ever stuck to Earl. The pavement sure did."

What did you do after high school?
Became a famous comedian. JK! LOL I actually had a blast the summer after high school and then went to college in California. I hated it so I came back to Rutgers. I quickly developed a delightful little drinking problem and I still have that pesky sucker.

What'd you study in college?
English with minor in PUSSY! Don't print that.

What do you think is an appropriate way to end this interview?
I'm going to pee in a Poland spring bottle because I don't feel like going to the bathroom.