One of our most clicked on posts last week was an article from 2013 about Jon Hamm's ham*. This is because he was recently posed a question about it, again, and his new comments must have had people hungry for more… ham. Below is a piece I wrote about Jon Hamm’s hand a few years ago, which was never published, because no one cares about hands.
(Pacific Coast News)
I was standing in a dimly lit room with drop ceilings, trying to keep hold of the whiskey in my hand, and looking directly into the eyes of the man who plays Don Draper on Mad Men. He was mentioning he “knows Gothamist,” the website I work for. I wasn’t in this room in any professional capacity as press, but my coworker mentioned Gothamist to him when we were talking. I was not going to mention it to him, because I knew something, other than that this was a “no press” event... the first things that come up when you Google “Jon Hamm” + “Gothamist” are:
Is This Photo Of Jon Hamm's Penis Photoshopped?
13 Photos Of Jon Hamm's, You Know... "Ham"
And so on.
These are each accompanied by adorable Photoshopped images featuring Jon Hamm with a large cartoon ham over his “ham.” I am pretty certain Jon Hamm has never Googled “Jon Hamm” + “Gothamist,” but given the immediate high circulation of these posts I am certain he has seen them, and they were all under my byline. And no, I’m not proud, but on the internet we rise and fall by The Almighty Pageview, and whatever: you clicked.
Now is a good time to mention that it was only about one week prior to this moment that Hamm had addressed the press’s fixation on his nether regions, and the internet filled with new headlines, like mine: “Jon Hamm Doesn't Want You Talking About His Ham.”
I looked less directly into his eyes now, and moved my gaze slightly to the left, and down, for my head was heavy with shame.
I raised my glass to my mouth because whiskey seemed like a good idea, and scanned through some fast-moving thoughts: if he knows about the site, chances are it is not for my thoughtful weekly recaps of Mad Men, tracing each historical timestamp in the show and painstakingly comparing them to their real life counterparts. He probably doesn’t know that we championed Brooklyn Castle, a documentary Hamm and his then-girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt had helped promote. Does he know us for our ability to break hot Jon Hamm news, like that time he ate soup, alone?
No no no, he definitely knows us for the Jon Hamm’s Ham tag.
As my eyes traveled further down I caught a glimpse of my feet, and wondered why when I wear tights they always always bunch at the ankle like I’m some old lady caricature on a set of Old Maid cards. This was happening during this Important Life Moment.
I returned to whiskey. Maybe he was just being polite saying he knows our site, I thought. I smiled —“Well, thank you…” And that’s when he touched my arm.
The Hamm hand moment.
There are a few things that happen when Jon Hamm touches your arm.
1. You know you can still feel, like really feel, things.
2. Your arm, protecting itself from this overwhelming experience, shields itself with a tingling sensation. The feeling is somewhere between an orgasm and pins and needles.
3. You wonder if you have a prior-to-now undiagnosed condition where there are tear ducts all over your arm. Because it feels like your arm is weeping.
I mean, anyone touching your arm feels nice, to fleetingly connect with someone... a kind stranger, even, with no other connections to you that could complicate such an innocent, human moment. Touches like this are often brief, and just kind of remind you that you even exist at all.
But then a photographer goes to take our photo, and I’m about to forget all about the arm thing anyway, because... Jon Hamm has now placed his hand on the small of my back. And there is just one thing that happens when Jon Hamm places his hand on the small of your back.
You know in Pulp Fiction when they open the briefcase and for a moment the violence stops in the presence of this unspeakable, mysterious beauty (which is apparently a human soul)? That is what Jon Hamm’s hand on the small of your back feels like. (Plus, during this magical moment my own hand was like thisclose from his ham. Heh.)
Let’s make Jon Hamm’s hand go viral.
*penis.
