Age (Ain't nothing but a number!)
I'm 28 years old (but I'm reading at a 30 year old reading level.)
Right now I'm handing out flyers in the upper echelon of the very lucrative flyer distribution industry. (It still sounds boring, even all gussied up like that.) At night, I am also a filthy stand-up comic and a singer of dirty folk rock songs.
How long have you lived here? Where are you from and where do you live now?
I've lived in NYC for three years or so, but I've sort of lost track, on account of the fact that I've moved about fifteen times since I've been here. I'm from Damariscotta, Maine, the stained shitty band tee shirt capital of the northern hemisphere, and I am now residing on the Lower East Side of NYC across the street from the projects. (In case you're wondering, No, I don't know Stephen King. I've never met him. No, not even once.)
One for You.
As a comedian, dirty folk singer, and occasional > rabble rouser, what pisses you off most?
Well, I'll gladly tell you! As a comedian, comedy speak pisses me off. When comedians address the audience as, "People!" or when they say, "Apparently" or say, "I mean.....(insert your own rhetorical question here, such as, "What is the deal?" or, "Am I right?" or "Who are these people?")
As a dirty folk singer, it pisses me off when people get mad at my songs. I didn't invent rape, pubic hair, shitting on one's face or what have you. I'm simply informing the public about it in a vulgar, funny and gregarious manner. Don't kill the messenger!
Proust-Krucoff-Nichelle Questionnaire [Sounds like a law firm]
What's your favorite subway stop?
I like Astor Place, because I play my guitar there a lot and I know all the people who work there. Also, people put actual dollars in my guitar case instead of worn business cards from their restaurant in Queens.
What's your New York motto?
I don't know if it's a motto, exactly, but I do feel as a New Yorker living among many, many homeless people, we should all do our part to help the homeless in anyway we can. I even find myself sometimes yelling out at crowds as they walk around, "Help the homeless!" Little things like that. As a comedian, I feel that I "do my part" by trying to write as many jokes about the homeless as I can. It's one little way I can say, "Hey. You're homeless. I hope I'm never like you."
What's the most unusual pitch you heard from a panhandler?
Interesting this should be your next question, as it ties right in. This homeless guy one day came up to me and gave me a fashion tip. He said, "Hey, you know what would look good on you? If you wore a belt with those jeans. Now, can I have a dollar?" I got irritated because I don't like getting fashion tips from a guy wearing garbage bag shoes and a pair of pant. So pissed off, in fact, that I said, "Hey, you know what would look good on you? A fucking house." Then, I took a dollar bill out of my pocket and chewed it up and swallowed it. Just to prove a point.
What outerborough place you always say you would like to see but probably never will?
Well, probably the Botanical Gardens. It sounds so lovely, I'm not exactly sure what the word "botanical" means, I think it means something like, huge green garden bigger and better than me or anything I've ever made, and I would like to witness that if I could. I hear it's very calm and I could use some peace in my life, but I doubt I'll invest time into a long, sweaty train-wait followed by a long, bad-breathy train ride to see a bunch of plants. Knowing the ways of the world, I'd probably get shot in the shoulder or have a seizure and fall into the tracks as I waited a few questionable centimeters from the edge. Death on my way to discovering bliss and tranquility! What a poem that'd make for future generations to someday write.
Naw, I'd probably just go buy a plant at K-Mart and watch it die. I'd tell myself, "Jessica, you would have been able to keep it alive forever if only you weren't so busy, busy, busy!" And, "This doesn't mean you're barren."
What happened the last time you went to LA?
The last time I went to LA, I found out my biological dad does gay phone sex under the name of "Master Tony", I met a 65 year old millionaire who asked me to marry him, and joined the Mile High club on the return flight with a famous actor's son. It was one of those vacations that I was glad to return from, because it was so weird, I wasn't sure what would happen next - I might win the lottery or get struck by a lightning bolt filled with AIDS.
What's the one thing you miss whenever you leave New York?
The excitement! All that adventure! I miss the thrill of knowing that I could be raped in a park or pushed in front of a train at any second! Every time I leave the house, it's like, I might meet the man of my dreams who will trick me into getting into the back of a van with him, or I might get hit by a bus.
Where is the best place in the city for semi-public sex?
You can have sex anywhere in this city. If you have the balls. (And the vagina.)
Jessica Delfino can be found every night haunting the Lower East Side. Her next Dirty Folk Rock gig is Tuesday, July 27 at Arlene's Grocery.
[Editor's note: Jessica's other motto:"Changing the world by using the word pussy a lot."]
Interview by Nichelle Newsletter