After days of innuendo and Instagram mind games, Jay Z, Beyonce & Solange have released a joint statement to the AP saying that all is well, everyone has apologized to each other, and they're moving on from the elevator fight which ripped a nation apart. Of course, this statement comes barely a day after Gothamist published a damning report on the family's ties to the Illuminati, so you tell us what's really real and what's only partially really real, man.

Here's the statement in full:

"As a result of the public release of the elevator security footage from Monday, May 5th, there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident. But the most important thing is that our family has worked through it," an exclusive statement to The Associated Press read Thursday. "Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family."


"The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behavior throughout that evening are simply false," the statement continued. "At the end of the day families have problems and we're no different. We love each other and above all we are family. We've put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same."

That's a nice show of public unity after some very weird public snubbings and Rihanna innuendo (see: Solange erases Beyonce photos from Instagram, Beyonce puts up extra photos of her and Solange, Jay Z goes shopping?, anonymous sources blame Rihanna, etc). But this is clearly all sleight of hand to make us forget what's really going on. Let's read between the lines and look at all the things they don't mention in their mea culpa:

-The one-world authoritarian government known as the New World Order
-Jay Z's casual time traveling
-Kanye West's attempts at a career in fashion
-Medical marijuana
-Hero Cat
-Jill Abramson being ousted from the Times
-Conscious uncoupling
-Wendy Williams
-The rumored parentage of Jon Snow
-The Dead Sea Scrolls
-Russia's alleged dolphin army