My name is Jamye Waxman. I'm 30. I feel like I just became a woman. I'm doing pretty much everything I want to do. I write, read, talk to people about sex and do yoga. I'm a sex advice columnist for Playgirl, my column is sex.ed, I write "Hot Wax" for Steppin' Out Magazine. I am also a sex educator at Toys in Babeland, a freelance producer and a pornographer. I got started in the whole sex racquet when I worked at eyada.com, an internet radio station. I like to say I didn't choose sex, it was sex that chose me.
I've been in New York pretty much my whole life, I was born in Manhasset, Lawn Guyland and grew up in Plainview. I currently live in Lower East Chinatown. I'm openly dating.
You refer to yourself as a Modern Day Sexplorer. How did you come up with the name Sexplorer?
Well, I needed to come up with a name for my column and I knew I didn't want to be a sexpert. To me sexpert connotes a heavy burden of knowledge, and we're all human. Sexplorer on the other hand was someone who was interested in checking out the realm of the sexual universe. That doesn't mean doing everything even, but it just connotes discovery and exploration and also sex.
You must have grown up in a sexually-liberal home.
So interesting, it wasn't conservative. I couldn't shut the door with boys in the room, but there were a lot of things going on that my parents didn't know about. They weren't all that pushy about sex. I wouldn't call it liberal either. My mom gave me Dear Abby What Every Teen Should Know, the pamphlet, and that was my sex talk. The next time I talked about sex it was because I was having it.
What did your parents think about that?
Well, it was my mother and we were in a car driving to the gynecologist and I was sixteen years old and I'd been having sex a couple more months than she knew. It was a boy I had been with a year and a half. I told her I wanted to go the gynecologist because I thought I had a yeast infection and she said "Are you having sex?" and I said. "No." And so we're driving there and she said "ARE YOU HAVING SEX?" and I said, "Yes." And she said "That's statutory rape! I'm gonna call…" and I was like, "Would you rather I go to college and fuck the first guy I meet? What are you actually trying to say here?" And because the relationship had been so long, there was really nothing they could do but accept it. We dated for nine years, that boy and me.
How do they feel about your profession?
They are surprisingly and unabashedly supportive. They even subscribe to Playgirl.
You're currently pursuing a masters in Sex Education. Tell us about the program.
I was really shocked. Most of the people in my program weren't comfortable about sex. They teach you a lot of things, like how to deal with coming out. We watched some videos that are banned in this country to talk about paraphilias. That would be things like -- we didn't watch videos of pedophilia -- but that would be a paraphilia. We did have a pedophiliac come into the class though, we did do things like that.
We also had to design lesson plans, I did a lesson on body image for women. It was weird, almost like a therapeutic masters. We sat in circles more than classrooms... it was a lot of group discussion. We were getting to this place of recognizing our own comfort levels with sex.
You are involved with a group called "Feminists for Free Expression." Do you consider yourself a feminist?
I hate the word feminist. I keep looking for another word for it. I wouldn't call myself a feminist, because I don't think I've ever been a feminist. I don‘t want to use an "-ist" word to define myself either because it puts an air of superiority somewhere. I'm a liberator, I'm a free thinker. I'm a person who expresses themselves.
What about the other women in the group? How do you identify with them?
These are fantastic women that are feminists. There are a lot of militaristic connotations to feminism and feminists right now, but these women really own that word. They owned it before it became what it has become. I totally see them as pro-feminists, feminists. I'm one of the younger ones on the board. We are actually trying to get a younger movement started. Some of them were feminist hippies and some were revolutionaries and still are in certain ways. The head of the board, Mary, is an amazing first amendment rights lawyer who defended Karen Finley to the US Supreme Court. Candida Royalle is on the board, Veronica Vera who has a school for boys that want to be girls is on the board. These are all women who have taken some sort of powerful stance in the world and have separated themselves as women that are leaders.
You write a column for Playgirl. Do you consider Playgirl pornography?
One of the lessons in my masters was "what is pornography?" and they laid out all of these things including Judy Blume's "Forever." Playgirl was in the mix and these had all been banned somewhere for their sexual content. I have a very hard time defining pornography. I think the limits are different for everybody. Is Playgirl pornography? To some people yes. I guess if I think of anything that arouses and titillates as pornography, then yes Playgirl is pornography, but then so is my blog sometimes. It's a very muddled line there.
Another of your many activities is teaching sex ed classes at Toys in Babeland. Tell us about a class you've taught.
I just taught a class the other day called The Sex Sense: How to Incorporate your Five Senses into Sex Play. We rush to orgasm and there all these stages before orgasm and not so many after. Before orgasm we have to get excited, we have to find desire, we plateau and then we orgasm and then we need to find some resolution. We go to sleep, we wake up, we make breakfast, we walk the dog, whatever. So I wanted people to take the time to remember to touch, to see, to smell, etc. So that's what I teach in my class, how to touch your partner, how to see your partner, how to hear your partner, how to smell your partner and how to taste your partner.
You also teach at sex parties. That must be interesting...
At parties I usually teach things like Sex Toys 101, Basic Sex Toy lecture, Fellatio Basics, How to Give a Good Blow Job, which I laugh about, because people are like "how do you know?"
I have also given one hands-on class, which I want to do more of. The hands-on class was this past summer at Burning Man. Someone asked me to do a hands-on cunnilingus class which I thought was a bit boring, so I said I would I give a hands on fellatio class the next day if everyone came back. So all of these people came back with partners.
First I did a little bit of an anatomy lesson, because I love to tell women that all men are created from women. You can actually tell if you examine a pussy. The clitoris is the head of the penis, the inner lips are the shaft and the outer lips are the scrotum. After that I tell people to start touching their partners and from there to start giving head. So I watch people giving head and see some girls choking on a big dick or getting tired and instead of pointing them out to the entire class I say "You know, another great thing you can do is take your mouth off your partner's dick and just lick up and down the shaft."
And what's exciting is then seeing the entire class do it because you realize they are actually listening to what you are saying. I also thought it was great because when you are lecturing, you sometimes tend to forget some of the techniques or only remember them piece by piece by piece.
Describe for us your approach to sexuality when it comes to yourself.
I'm predominantly heterosexual with a bit of a flair.
I have more than once dabbled in...I don't like the word bi-sexual and I definitely date more men than anyone else, in fact, I really only date men, but I do find the female body beautiful.
My first sexual experiences were with a woman for two years when I was in 7th grade. So I got sexual at a young age. We were very together for two years, experimenting-wise. We didn't go on dates. So I questioned my sexuality for a lot of years after that. When I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 years, he made a comment that he thought I was a lesbian. And I really had to investigate that because it felt like something. There was something in his words that hurt and I had to understand what that was. I don't consider myself a queer. I used to consider myself a bisexual, but I don't think that term really applies to me. I think it is a more of an open sexuality. I am going with what has felt the most natural. I've tried to date women but with men I feel more of a yin and yang.
Have you ever gotten any dates from your lectures?
I make it a rule not to date people that come to see me lecture. In four years of working at the store, I have only gone on one date with someone who came into the store. Because of what I do, there is an expectation and a certain way that people think I am because of it. It is very hard for me to date. I have enjoyed that the last few men that I've dated have not cared that my occupation was in sex, they have actually just liked me for who I am.
Could you see yourself ever getting married?
I don't know that I want to get married. It upsets me that there are still stipulations on a lot of my friends that won't allow them to get married. Marriage is a government institution that acknowledges two people and gives them insurance that they should get anyway. I would love emotional monogamy, sometimes physical monogamy but we're human, wake up and smell the fact that we are gonna want to cheat or look around. Do we have to act on it? No, but we have to openly accept and talk about it. So I do want emotional monogamy, I do want a bond with somebody that is as ambitious as I am in their own field and I want to be able to create with them.
Have any taboos?
I am obsessed with Doody videos. I don't watch them but they are disgusting to me. That is a no-no. Another no-no is -- I have a sister -- and if you've hooked up with me don't hook up with another member of my family. I'm like a one family kind of girl and don't put doody on me.
What do you think about a show like Sex and the City?
I hate to say this but I think Sex and the City definitely liberated women to talk about sex. You sometimes don't know how the media is influencing things, but in this case it was definitely a positive step for women and their sexuality.
So do you feel that men and women have equal footing in the bedroom today?
I think that there is more permission for women to have equal footing in the bedroom today, but I still think that sometimes one party is threatened by the other's idea of assertiveness. So, I'd like to think yes, but I think it's still not equal all over the board.
Okay, you must have a good 3AM story. Tell us one.
A couple years back it was a friend's bachelorette party. It was 3am and there were two guys at the bar. One of them was named Jamie, I remember just cause that's my name. And just for the record, I'm not in this space anymore, I like to have sex with people I have bonds with, but this was a random experience.
These two guys started talking to me. Finally they were like, my friend and I find you attractive, will you come home with us. I said "Are you guys going to be together?" and they said "No, we just thought it would be really hot to bring you home together." I was like, you know…how often do you get to tell this story to someone. So I went. I didn't have intercourse with either of them. I didn't know them and I didn't want to. It was very weird, because here I was making out with two guys, they were completely paying all their attention to me, and one was a really good kisser and one was a really bad kisser. When the good kisser kissed me I got really hot and bothered, when the bad kisser kissed me, I lost it all. It was the dynamic that kept recurring and nobody got off. It was very awkward, after an hour I wanted it to be over, and it was.
If you could go back to any day in New York history, what would that be?
I would go back to Stonewall, I would like to have experienced what it felt like at the beginning of what people deem gay liberation in a way, especially in New York. I would like to have been a gay man in the bar.
You've got $5 in your pocket, a metrocard and a day to kill. What do you do?
I walk everywhere in the city because I love love love how the neighborhoods change so drastically. I would walk up to Central Park. Buy a carousel ride because life is a series of rollercoasters and carousels and it's nice to get off the rollercoaster every once and a while. Maybe go into FAO Schwartz and just play on some of the toys.
Who is your favorite New Yorker (dead or alive)?
I am currently obsessed with Nikola Tesla. I would love to spend a day with him. He is the scientist who is responsible for ACDC and tesla coils, all this alternative energy stuff. He almost set off an earthquake in New York, he was friend's with Mark Twain. He never married, never showed sexuality, and was repulsed by fat people and pearls. I just finished a biography about him, so I guess now I feel I have to meet him.
Who are your heroes?
Hero seems like such a pedestal word to me. Candida Royalle is one of my mentors. She started this company and built a career around sex education, sex videos and sex toys. I guess she is someone I would consider a hero. And then there are women like Ducky Doolittle who had to overcome a million physical disabilities to become this fantastic person and sex educator, or Barbara Carellas, who didn't start sex work until she was 35 or Kate Bornstein who changed genders a few times before she knew what she wanted to be or Annie Sprinkle, there are so many…Anyone who has affected the sex revolution in a positive way is a hero of mine.