Yes, yes, last night was the Golden Globes. And boy, that Warren Beatty NEVER SHUTS UP.
People looked pretty (but Jennifer Love Hewitt, what the hell were you wearing?), and it was nice to see Helen Mirren rack up the awards, even though it got a little boring and we think more people saw Prime Suspect than Elizabeth I. Sure, Dreamgirls won big (Jennifer Hudson is a star - here's more and more confirmation - and Eddie Murphy gave a simple, classy speech), but its director wasn't even nominated. Seeing America Ferrera made us want another Traveling Pants movie (there are four books, of course) and almost made us forget how lame Ryan Seacrest was during the E! Pre-Show (how much fake horndogging can there be?). Grey's Anatomy won, as did Ugly Betty, making ABC a big winner. And Meryl Streep gave one of her usual amazing speeches and implored moviegoers to demand that their movie theater owners show smaller films - lady, it would be easier if you starred in most of them, but we'll try anyway. But after the millionth cutaway to Jack Nicholson, we got so tired.
Thank goodness the Hollywood Foreign Press Association had the good sense to award the Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical Motion Picture to Sacha Baron Cohen for Borat. While Cohen was attending the awards as himself (not in a smelly suit as Borat), he did give a "Wa wa wiii wa" to Warren and then launched into the best Golden Globes speech ever:
This movie was a life-changing experience. I saw some amazing, beautiful, invigorating parts of America but I saw some dark parts of America. An ugly side of America, a side of America that rarely sees the light of day. I refer, of course, to the anus and testicles of my co-star, Ken Davitian...
When I was in that scene, and I stared down and saw your two wrinkled Golden Globes on my chin, I thought to myself, I'd better win a bloody award for this.
And then when my 300-pound co-star decided to sit on my face and squeeze the oxygen from my lungs, I was faced with a choice. Death, or to breathe in the air that had been trapped in a small pocket between his buttocks for 30 years. Kenneth, if it was not for that rancid bubble, I would not be here today. Thank you.
Amazing. Of course, the orchestra had to play him off, lest Cohen discuss other orifices, but now we can only dream of the day that Cohen accepts a Best Actor award at the Oscars and what havoc he'll wreak.
Update: Cohen explained the infamous wrestling scene with Davitian to reporters after winning:
The most unpleasant scene was certainly the naked fight. I didn’t know if I was going to survive. There was a little sign that I was going to show [director] Larry Charles that if I ran out of air when Ken was sitting on my face, I will tap on the bed three times. If you look at the movie again I tap on the bed three times, but Larry was so engrossed with the monitor that he didn’t realize I was dying under Ken Davitian’s anus.
Here's a list of the Golden Globes winners - what did you think? And the awesome Golden Globes speech Cohen displaced? Larry David's 2003 acceptance speech when Curb Your Enthusiasm won Best Television Comedy: "This is a sad day for the Golden Globes. It is, however, quite a good day for Larry David. I suspect the wife will be a little forthcoming tonight. This is what I have to do for sex. Thank you Hollywood Foreign Press for what I hope will be a memorable evening...And my parents, who taught me when you have the opportunity to annoy somebody, do so. Little did they know I'd be doing it on such a massive scale."
Photograph of Sacha Baron Cohen and Borat co-star Ken Davitian by Kevork Djansezian/AP