— WhatIsNewYork (@whatisny) January 2, 2019
As the first real workday of 2019 (for some of us, anyway) creeps to a close, I imagine you might be having a hard time focusing. Or perhaps I am projecting, because I have found my foggy brain unable to concentrate on anything except Egg Roll Squirrel since this morning, when I first hit play on the above video. I cannot tell you how much time I've lost to this footage—some, like for example my employer, might say too much—but I can tell you that a fat squirrel munching on an egg roll is eminently worth seven seconds of your life. Just watch as the round boy enjoys a snack-o, I know you won't regret it. A treat for you, a treat for Egg Roll Squirrel, everybody wins.
Maybe you now find yourself distracted by your burning need to know more. For example, it is reasonable to wonder how Egg Roll Squirrel managed to haul his plunder all the way up to his lofty tree perch: Surely he required all four of his chubby squirrel hands, and all his greedy claws, to clamber up that trunk. Is an egg roll too hefty, too dense, to cart up there in such a small snoot, when you have very small teeth? Unfortunately, I have no satisfying answers to these questions: Just like you, I learned about our new friend's existence from the internet.
But certainly, Egg Roll Squirrel is not the first tree rat to ferret an unwieldy food item into the uppermost boughs of a sidewalk maple. (Is it a maple? I don't know.) Remember Taco Squirrel, the intrepid forager spotted chomping on a crispy tortilla shell in 2017? Same guy, you think? I sort of do: While we have seen squirrels dredge Shake Shack, iced coffee, and milkshakes from our municipal trash piles—and while we have even observed some snarfing thick, cardboard-looking pizza slices in the lower branches of lesser trees—it takes know-how, practice, and maybe even gumption to get a food log that's about as long as you are wide up a tall tree using just your mouth. Probably. I for one will be ruminating on this for the rest of the day.