The Internet is rife with alarming, hate-click headlines like "Millennials, The Friendly Cutthroat Generation," "Would Your Work BFF Turn On You?" and "Kill The Young Ones While You Still Have A Chance," which is not a headline that has been written yet, but check back next week! We have no political views, we refuse to buy things, and we throw our coworkers under the bus When will we finally grow up, laser off our tattoos, and start blaming Gen Z for taking our internships?

According to a LinkedIn study released this week, 68 percent of millennials surveyed said they'd be willing to sacrifice a work buddy if they thought it would get them a promotion (Do Millennials have jobs?). Conversely, 62 percent of baby boomers surveyed said they would never stoop that low. GET YOUR FEET OFF THE SEAT AND TRY READING A BOOK!

Yet this study defines millennials as "respondents ages 18-24," while baby boomers are "ages 55-65." So the majority of the country's workforce was omitted, even though the study purports to have surveyed "Respondents between the ages of 14 countries." Who knows how vicious Gen X is in the office—your 40-year-old boss could be planning to spike your coffee with ricin right now! Note that millennials may also be more likely to admit they'd gut you for a promotion. Baby boomers are probably better liars, since they've had more time to practice their poker faces (also, how many baby boomers know what LinkedIn is?)

Personally, I would prefer not to throw any of my co-workers under the bus (hi guys!!!!); I need them to help me put together photo galleries, come up with snappy headlines, and send me videos of adorable dogs all day. Then again, no one I work with is a baby boomer, and I do not have to resent any of the higher-ups for refusing to retire, halting the ladder of success and forcing us to teach them how to copy and paste time and time again. Plus, are these 18-year-olds surveyed by LinkedIn actually employed? Because as co-worker and Millennial Self-Denier Lauren Evans pointed out, if you were a young recent grad trying to break out of crippling unemployment, you'd probably stab someone for a paycheck, too.

Fine, I get it. We're an underemployed, over-sharing bunch of backstabbers, and we bring our parents to job interviews so they can nag us about putting on more lipstick. What else?

"Millennials Think Government Is Inefficient, Abuses Its Power, and Supports Cronyism...But young Americans also want government to guarantee health insurance and living wages; plan to vote for Democrats in 2014 and 2016," screams the headline/subheadline of a Reason-Rupe report on millennials, released last week. Apparently, millennials have no cogent political views, skewing right when it comes to fiscal policy, left when it comes to social responsibility and up, down and all around when it comes to running the government. A slice, if you will:

  • Millennials do not like paying high taxes. They do like a larger government that provides more services, provided that government does not charge high taxes.
  • 58 percent of millennials are concerned about governmental abuse of power.
  • Millennials would like the government to do something to stimulate the economy, but they would prefer not to pay high taxes.
  • Millennials are cool with legalizing marijuana, but they're not into Bloomberg's soda ban.

So, in short, Millennials are just like...everybody else? How mysterious!

But of course, if you start telling the world what Millennials like through a series of graphs riddled with Bluetooth Signal Squiggles, you make it easier to sell cars to us, because we're not buying cars, or something. But we like free stuff, like Our Hero President Obama's health care! Note that not enough of us have signed up for Our Hero President Obama's health care, and that's bad news for the rest of you.

I'm ranting, because I'm a Millennial, and Millennials can't stop talking about themselves, even though 44% percent of us have a crippling sense of shame (I write LinkedIn studies now). Perhaps it's because the rest of the world's done such a thorough job telling us who we are in the first place.