How To Survive A Possible Post-Election Apocalypse, According To Hollywood

Donald Trump is as close as he's ever been to becoming President of the United States. If this happens, economists, national security experts, human rights advocates, foreign leaders, and my unending sense of dread maintain we're in for some shit. Luckily, Hollywood has prepared us for all sorts of ends-of-the-world, and for the dystopian nightmare that may or may not await us on the other side, so we've rounded up some valuable survival tips sourced from Tinseltown's finest doomsday prognosticators.

Peruse this list, and note that though, as my mother says, the prospect of a Trump presidency is "actually not funny," all we have left now is our terrible humor. Also, HARK, HERE BE SPOILERS.

PLANET OF THE APES: This is one of our most realistic futures, made all the more ironic by Barry Goldwater-supporting star Charlton Heston. Here, humans have made a desert out of a former paradise, nuclear-blasting Earth into a desolate wasteland and reducing homo sapien brains to mush as apes become the dominant species. Trump doesn't seem to have a clear understanding of how nuclear weapons work (and the Russians do!), so this kind of devastation isn't unthinkable.

TO SURVIVE: build a deep-hibernation spaceship, snuggle inside, and sleep for two millennia (make sure the glass doesn't crack!) Expect to watch apes murder all your friends, but you'll make some new ones along the way.

WALL-E: Another chillingly prescient apocalyptic film—for children!—Wall-E presents an Earth turned to a toxic trash pile by mega-corporations, while humans have turned into immobile blob creatures who can only communicate with one another/the outside world via screens. Wall-E is set 800 years in the future, but at the rate we're going, we'll all be onboard the Axiom by the time Kanye launches his 2020 campaign.

TO SURVIVE: Put down your damn phone and talk to a person.

APOCALYPSE NOW: Technically this is not about an apocalypse, but no matter who's elected come November 8th, we live in a world mired in war—in Syria, in East Africa, and in Iraq and Afghanistan. Apocalypse Now is about a bygone war, but it also follows the trajectory of Joseph Conrad's timeless Heart of Darkness about racist imperialism in the Congo, and the lessons here are universal—war is horror, war is hell, and sticking to the mission won't save your soul.

TO SURVIVE: Drop that last tab of acid you've been saving and listen to The Doors.

DEEP IMPACT: Back in the '90s, it seemed more likely we'd be undone by a comet, meteor, or alien attack than our own malfeasance—our apocalypse will probably come in the form of famine, flood, new ice age or nuclear war, rather than some outside force from outer space. If we are faced with a comet attack in the near future, though, President Trump probably won't provide the same unyielding comfort as President Morgan Freeman and New York is doomed to drown in a mega-tsunami, so it looks like we'll all have to start being a little nicer to "Real America."

TO SURVIVE: Launch a suicide mission at the comet, hide in Missouri.

MAD MAX: FURY ROAD: I have not seen the OG Mad Max films, but if I learned anything from last year's Fury Road, it's this—if our leader is a lumpy white man with bad hair and a strange pout, we will run out of water, our women will be reduced to "breeders," and our army will be comprised of half-dead blood-sucking zombies. WHAT FUN. On the bright side, there do not appear to be any speed limits in a post-nuclear holocaust, and Tom Hardy's face is still pretty, so there's that.

TO SURVIVE: Drive fast (and furiously).

ARMAGEDDON: Ben Affleck, Bruce Willis, Steve Buscemi, Owen Wilson, and some other dudes get sent to space to drill a hole in an asteroid before it hits Earth. It's all very dramatic and Ben Affleck plays with some animal crackers on Liv Tyler's stomach, but probably the only way this film could mimic our real future apocalypse is that it, too, is nonsensical.

It's also noteworthy that Armageddon came out in the same year as Deep Impact and performed better at the box office, even though Deep Impact was actually based on science and not explosions/hot dudes. America!

TO SURVIVE: Leave Bruce Willis to die.

THE ROAD: Honestly this one is too sad to recap, and if we're reduced to wandering across post-apocalyptic, kill-or-be-killed America in the future, they should start handing out cyanide pills in drugstores.

TO SURVIVE: Don't be yummy.

THE HUNGER GAMES TRILOGY: Trump isn't nearly as smooth as President Snow, but I could see a Panem-esque future helmed by Mike Pence. The Hunger Games series accurately follows the vicious cycle of revolution, and juuuuust might predict the totalitarian government that'll replace our shaky democracy one day. Of course,, considering this year's Presidential Debates were akin to being forced to watch children kill one another for entertainment, we're already prepared.

TO SURVIVE: #TeamGale.