The Yuletide has washed away, and now it is time to toss that decrepit dead spruce you've been propping up in your living room for the past five-ish weeks. You could just throw its dry, deteriorating corpse out onto the street like so much garbage—forgetting overnight the unmitigated holiday cheer your miniature Shelby dispensed throughout the season. OR, you could dispose of her wasted branches respectfully, responsibly.

Also, who would want to miss the city's annual MULCHFEST, which—according to the Parks Department—offers residents a "fun, free, and environmentally-friendly way to bid trees 'fir-well'" ha ha get it?? Between January 4th and January 14th, you can haul your pine carcass to one of 68 citywide mulching sites and chuck it in the chipper (or just drop it off!), after which point the Parks Department will scatter its remains on municipal garden beds. Chip your faithful fir friend on Chipping Weekend, i.e. January 12th to 13th between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m., and the Parks and Sanitation Departments will send you on your merry way with a free bag of mulch.

If dragging your tree down the street sounds like too much of a hassle to you, okay fine sure you can also dump it on the curb, and the city will take it away for mulching. But please be advised that the city sets a window for this option: The Sanitation Department will collect these trees between January 2nd and January 12th. Further, the city will only accept NAKED TREES for curbside collection, so before you throw yours out, you must make sure to strip its brittle branches of any tinsel, lights, ornaments, plastic, and whatever other nonsense you may have attached this year. (This includes tree stands.) And! Keep your conifer watered between now and your chosen disposal date, because I cannot understate the risk of raging fire an over-dry Christmas tree presents—indoors and out!

For those of you who, for whatever reason, feel compelled to rid your homes of artificial trees, the Sanitation Department urges you to consider donating or selling them. If you can't do either, put your NAKED FAKE TREE out with your recycling on an appropriate day.

Anyway, yes, the holidays are over and now it is time to face winter's wrath alone, without the fortifying glow of your majestic evergreen. With that in mind, this is where I'll leave you: