"He who makes a blog about coming back from vacation gets rid of the pain of being a man." -- Samuel Johnson

1. Never go on vacation in the first place. Take Fridays and Mondays off periodically throughout the year. Spend the occasional weekend in Paris or Ittoqqortoormiit.

2. Stay on vacation. Sublet the apartment, sell the car, break up with the girlfriend, etc. You can find jobs slinging ice cream all over the world.

3. Accept that America is a "no-vacation nation" that will never catch up with more liberated European countries, where people take off 2-3 months of the year and still have a higher level of workplace efficiency than us.

4. Renounce U.S. citizenship and move to Austria. If you work at McDonald's, you get 35 paid days off your first year. After six years, you'd get 49 paid days off. After ten years, they pay you for just walking by and waving occasionally.



7. Upload your vacation photos to your computer. Upload them to your Dropbox. Upload them to Facebook. Upload them to Instagram. Upload them to Twitter. Make a slideshow. Invite people to look at the slideshow online. Invite people over to your apartment to look at the slideshow IRL. Invite people out to drinks ostensibly for your birthday, but then force them to gather round the bar and awkwardly crane their necks to silently gaze at the photos on your phone while you describe every detail. Be sure to linger on each photo until an approving nod is registered from each and every goddamn one of them.

8. Try focusing only on the annoying aspects of your vacation. Like...well hm, having a hard time coming up with examples right now... oh, like that one time you spilled wine on your shirt, and were kind of worried that since you were too comfortable to do anything about it at the time, you might have permanently stained it. I mean, it wasn't like your favorite shirt or anything, but still.

9. Unpack immediately upon return. Delete all 163 perfectly-framed sunset photos—yes even the one where the red sun seemed to be coming down between two rock formations in the distance at that one beach (literally named "Good Water") where they served you margaritas in coconut shells (how whimsical!). Burn your swimming trunks and any remaining airline tags. Convince yourself you were never on vacation. It'll shock you how much it never happened.

10. In case words aren't enough, watch the clip below on a loop.

11. Never unpack. Immediately begin planning your next vacation in 11 months.

12. Start dragging your suitcase with you everywhere you go. Every day is a vacation when you have your suitcase!

13. See every movie you missed while you were away, preferably all in a row. No it's not weird to want to watch Ant-Man, Trainwreck, Love & Mercy, Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, Irrational Man, The End Of The Tour, The Runner, and maybe even The Diary Of A Teenage Girl, I don't know. Life is a rich tapestry of borrowed experiences. But whatever you do, don't see Fantastic Four, no matter how "gritty" the trailers made it seem. Don't do that to yourself.

14. Go to local pounds and pet stores and hold puppies. The power of animal therapy cannot be underestimated.

15. Read incredibly stupid and increasingly desperate lists about how you can live your real everyday life like a vacation. Or even worse: how to vacation like it's 1999.

16. On second thought, definitely don't do #15, unless you want to plunge into a depression K-hole.

17. Don't annoy your coworkers and friends by constantly talking about how great your vacation was, and how fantastic those margaritas in coconut shells were (they were so whimsical!), and how you're feeling soooooo jetlagged and exhausted now that you're home, and how can Americans possibly live without taking two naps a day, it's just gruesome, it really is.

18. And definitely, DEFINITELY, don't bombard your coworkers and friends with questions about how to avoid post-vacation malaise, because they don't want to hear it. Even if you are only asking in a jokey manner for jokey reasons, don't even start with that. They can be shockingly unsympathetic.

19. Remind yourself that one day you are going to die just like everybody else, so suck it up, because death is a permanent vacation where they serve you margaritas out of coconut shells for eternity (how whimsical!).

20. Write blog post. Order Chinese food for lunch.

Ben Yakas just got back from vacation.