Once again, Valentine's Day has set its sights on the city, poised to hit every lovey-dovey couple with the sharp corner of Cupid's Arrow, or whatever. For the single millennial, though, February 14th is a day to listen to your couple-ey friends complain about how much they hate this so-called holiday, right before they go off to celebrate it and leave you alone on a Friday night. "No card company can define my hetero-normative love," one friend declares, before getting whisked off to Blanca on her man friend's dime. "We're not doing labels right now," another says, wrapping the $40 bottle of wine that will accompany the four-course dinner he's cooking for his unlabeled lover. There is a special place in hell for them in a room with the people who invented the Necco candy heart and coined the phrase "making love."
And now here you are, alone in your apartment save for a mostly friendly mouse named Harry who likes to rattle your radiator to remind you he lives rent-free (you will share your $3 wine with him, provided he does not escape and leave mouse bowel discharge on your floor). Luckily, brave single human, you are involved deeply in a relationship that satiates your every emotional whim—the mood swings, the crying jags, the need for unyielding, unbreakable trust. You have the Perfect Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Non-Gender Specific Significant Other for the low price of $7.99 a month, and tonight belongs to you, you crazy young things in love. Where to begin?
House of Cards: If you were one of those lucky souls who found the tale of tawdry congressman Francis Underwood compelling the first time around, your search ends here. Netflix was kind enough to singlefolk to release the show's second season in full on Valentine's Day, giving you and Harry 13 brand new episodes of humans treating one another horribly to binge on. For the uninitiated, tonight's as good as any to catch up on the whole show before the office water cooler recaps on Monday.
Some of us, however, find Kevin Spacey's Colonel Sanders accent too distracting to get through the opening monologue. Moving on.
Adore: Love is rarely more terrible than when it involves two mothers (Naomi Watts, Robin Wright) having sex with each other's very attractive young adult sons. You will feel dirty while watching this film, but also grateful that life has not yet led you down this path, even though you are using a straw to drink your wine out of the bottle.
Blackfish: Orcas are very unhappy in captivity, and so are humans in monogamous relationships. Follow this documentary with a pirated version of Free Willy and let your tears, loneliness and the Michael Jackson soundtrack lull you to sleep.
Blue Valentine: Sure, all those couples are swaddled in lust and love right now, but in the end this will only cause Ryan Gosling to lose his hair.
Sleeping Beauty: In this Australian film, a nubile young woman struggling to pay for her college education (Emily Browning) takes a job in which she is drugged and placed naked in a bed so old men can fondle her. This is a real movie that I once watched. I am currently looking for volunteers to fund at least a year's worth of therapy AND YOU CAN TOO!
Mitt: Can you think of anything less sexy than spending 92 minutes with Mitt Romney and his 76 children? Neither can I. Cameo by Jim Lehrer.
The Hunger Games: Even if you manage to find love and procreate with him/her, your children will probably just grow up to become heartless killing machines and/or Josh Hutcherson.
Say Yes To The Dress/Say Yes To The Dress: Atlanta: Next time your mother asks you why you haven't gotten married and given her grandchildren, make her watch at least four episodes of this show with you. These are the people who have weddings. These are their hopes and dreams. These are the life-savings that get dropped on a giant pile of white ruffle that will live on a body for a few hours before spending several decades in a Manhattan Mini Storage facility.
Justin Bieber: The Untold Story of His Rise to Fame: Life could always be worse. Bonus points if you can get Harry to nibble on a Bieber fan's face.