Trying to re-enter normal society after some blessed time away from The Machine? Here's a 16 Step plan I followed myself this morning. All you need to do is the exact opposite of everything below and you'll assimilate in no time!
Step 1: Return. Tell yourself life will be easier when you don't have to dig into your memories of high school Spanish to order a sandwich. Refuse to join the hot dude sharing your hostel room on a “Spirit Journey” to Peru, citing "commitments." Believe you have commitments. This is your first mistake.
Step 2: Book a redeye. Tell your boss you'll be at work in the morning. The baby in the seat next to you will certainly stop screaming.
Step 3: Count your mosquito bites on the plane. Look for bite patterns. They don't really spell "Cuidado" do they? Think about what lives inside your luggage.
Step 4: Go home. Open your computer. Look at Google images of bedbugs.
Step 5: Panic. Put all your clothes in the laundry. Throw out your backpack. Bag your belongings. Do bedbugs live in books? Throw out your books.
Step 6: Call your mother. Bring up bedbugs. Panic. Make her panic.
Step 7: Open Facebook. Take a few minutes to stalk all the exes that swam through your head on the ferry to Uruguay. Note that they seem happy. Hex them.
Step 8: Do more laundry. Dry your clothes on high. Wonder how good bedbugs are at hiding. Google it. Turns out, they are quite good at it. Dry your clothes again.
Step 9: Go on a scale. Cry. Eat a cheese sandwich. Cry again.
Step 10: Catch up on the news. Note that in your absence, Obama did not declare he'd be staying on for another term. Cry a third time.
Step 11: Count your mosquito bites again. Google "Dengue fever."
Step 12: Write a blog post. Or whatever was expected of you at work, but take three hours longer than usual. Send the finished product to your boss and hang your head in shame.
Step 13: Scratch your mosquito bites. Google "Zika virus symptoms." Search for a rash.
Step 14: Try on all your clothes. They do not fit. Pretend you shrunk them. Eat more bread.
Step 15: Scroll through your vacation photos. Realize that you took 80 percent of them at a Jesus-themed amusement park for children. Remember that experience as the greatest day of your adult life.
Step 15: Try to do more work. Get distracted by your mosquito bites instead. Google "Chikungunya." Call in sick for the rest of the day.
Step 16: Check your bank account. Realize you'd been underestimating the strength of the Argentine peso for a week. Cry again. Start planning your next vacation anyway.