The Woolworth Building is an icon, a historical beauty, and as such I demand the penthouse — and all other apartments therein — look at least 100 years old.

I'm talking about lots of sturdy, dark wood—preferably smelling of whiskey and aged books. I'm gonna need some textured wallpaper in there, used sparingly but standing out nonetheless, adding a little whimsy and popping from the mahogany. By the way, the library better have at least one Tiffany stained glass lamp. I want painted floorcloths everywhere, and some Persian rugs to mix things up. I want wrought-iron chandeliers so heavy they could kill a man if they were to come spectacularly crashing down. I will need incandescent bulbs, yes, but also lanterns. Ambiance will be of the utmost importance. There will be marble, too, I guess. I will need to go through a labyrinth to find my bedroom. And I definitely want a dining table that could seat 50, because there will be dinner parties. Crystal goblets for wine, obviously. There should be fruit bowls everywhere, a grand piano, a parlor, a dumbwaiter, a painting easel, and a dog—scrappy, but well-behaved.

There should also be one secret room. This last one isn't of the era, necessarily, but if I'm buying a penthouse I would like at least one secret room.

Can you picture it?

Now picture the opposite—does it look like this?

The Woolworth penthouse rendering

The Woolworth penthouse rendering

According to Curbed, these renderings have just been released, along with a new price—the "pinnacle" penthouse (located in the crown) was originally asking for $110 million, but is now a cool $79 million. It apparently looks something like this—a modern, all-white open plan meant to look like a yacht. You just know some asshole is gonna put a hand chair in there!