Nothing reveals the homogeny of the human spirit quite like the annual reveal of the city's top dog names. You might think you're being clever by naming your precious animal "Charlie" or "Max," because isn't it just adorable when people give pets human names? Well, guess what, snowflakes—at least 1,268 dogs were named Max last year, for maximum unoriginality.
Anyway, here are the top dog names registered with the city Health Department last year—note that all owned dogs must be licensed by the Department, so these names came from those registered licenses:
via NYC Health Department
And here are "uniquely popular names by breed," i.e., not unique:
via NYC Health Department
The Health Department also notes that there were quite a few dogs named after other animals this year, thereby triggering a number of canine identity crises citywide. 308 dogs were named "Bear," though dogs are not bears, and would certainly lose to one in a fight. (Only cats can defeat bears.) There were also 104 "Tigers," 74 dogs named "Moose," and 63 named "Panda," which is absolutely NOT a substitute for a real panda.
There were also a significant number of dogs named after fruits, vegetables, spices and herbs, since nothing tells your pet you love them like suggesting you might enjoy eating them one day. These digestible monikers include Ginger, Pepper, Olive, Cinnamon, Peaches, Kiwi, Basil, Sage, and Clementine, and you are all monsters for doing this to them.
I've never had a pet, but I did get to name my little sister. Initially my parents balked at calling their second daughter Peter Pan or Baby Buttface, but we compromised, and now she gets to brag to all her friends that she's named after a British mathematician's acid trip. Children should name everything.
