Today is Festivus, which means it's time yet again to ask yourself whether you could smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe. Although December 23rd has become the de facto Festivus date, it really should be celebrated any damn time you want, in the spirit that originator Dan O'Keefe's father did it: "whenever the hell [he] felt like it, September to May." Below, consult the inspiring original story of Festivus.
It truly is an inspiring holiday: did you know that the 2000 Baltimore Ravens were banned from using the word "playoff" by their coach? Instead, players substituted "Festivus" for playoffs, and called the Super Bowl the Festivus Maximus? That team went on to WIN the "Festivus Maxmius" that season—so one should never scoff at the possibility of a Festivus miracle springing up and hitting you in the face with the strength of an aluminum pole.
To that end, there are a lot of ways you can celebrate today: you can watch the Giants play the Ravens this afternoon and hope they channel some of that Festivus Maximus spirit. You can Google the hell of out Festivus and enjoy their pole easter egg. You can get tips on how to ironically observe the ritual by consulting the great Festivus infographic, or the official Festivus website. You could play a drinking game. You could tell friends and family how they've disappointed you this year. Or you could stop crying and wrestle your father already.