Last week on Game Of Thrones, the Westerosi Seven went on a wight hunt. This week on the season finale, Pod & Bronn went out drinking, Theon got in a fight, and Jon & Dany took a boat ride. GoT is all about how people jockey for power, so step inside for our SPOILER-FILLED season seven Game of Thrones Power Rankings.
Game Of Thrones Season Seven Power Rankings, Week 7
1. BOATSEX: THE INCESTPOSITION CHRONICLES: It was the best of times, it was the incest of times. After weeks of sexy spelunking trips, dragon-induced flirting, and softcore knee bending, Jon and Dany finally crossed the threshold from work friends to naked butt friends. Can you believe GoT really went there (there=the place everyone has been expecting them to go all season)?!?
Luke Skywalker and Jon Snow would have a lot to talk about, huh
— Matthew Perpetua (@perpetua) August 28, 2017
But before we get to all that, let's just take a moment to acknowledge the scene between the two at Dragonpit which set the table for the incestpalooza at the end. After Jon assures Dany that she is so super special (Jon literally says, "You're not like everyone else"), she reminds him for the two hundreth time this season that she can't have children. "Who told you that?" Jon finally thinks to ask. "The witch who murdered my husband," Dany responds nonchalantly. Jon: "Has it occurred to you she might not have been a reliable source of information?" This was the moment I decided these two were truly made for each other (and literally made out of the same beautiful, dumb DNA)!
— BuzzFeed (@BuzzFeed) August 28, 2017
Anyway, back to the incestuous lovemaking. This is why we're here after all: the book the show is based on is named A Song Of Ice Thrusts And Fire Butts for a good reason. The show started with a brother and sister making love in a castle, and it's gonna end this season with an aunt and nephew making love on a god damn boat if it wants to. It's called foreshadowing, dummies.
Jon didn't want to bend the knee but Dany incested. #GameofThrones
— Randi Mayem Singer (@rmayemsinger) August 28, 2017
I can't imagine that there are too many people out there who weren't expecting this union at this point. But David Benioff & D.B. Weiss (and of course, that great chronicler of all forms of incest, George R.R. Martin) love to twist the conventions of the fantasy genre and upend audience expectations at every turn. And they came up with their most devious trick yet to spice up this very spicy family reunion: incestposition (or insextposition).
That voice-over cutting into [REDACTED's] sex scene was straight-up the most "Arrested Development" that "Game of Thrones" has ever been.
— Sady Doyle (@sadydoyle) August 28, 2017
For it wasn't enough to heavily imply Jon Snow's true parentage for the last three+ seasons (they've been doing it since season one, but those flashback Tower of Joy scenes last season really sealed the deal). They had to make sure they spelled it out for the audience in the most literal terms possible. Now, not everyone writes 5,000 word odes to Lyanna Mormont and Rickon Stark every week, so I totally get that there are people out there who thumb through their Facebook feeds while they watch the show and can't tell their Gendrys from their Hot Pies (SHAME ON YOU PEOPLE).
But what Benioff & Weiss did here was truly bizarre: they had Samwell and Bran piece together Jon's true lineage back in Winterfell juxtaposed with Jon & Dany having sex for the first time. That's right, they finally brought back their signature sexposition move—the art of dumping a whole lot of really dry backstory on the audience by gussying it up with a gratuitous sex scene—but in the act, completely sucked any romanticism out of the scene for the audience. Are we supposed to think of this as some great tragedy? Are we rooting for these two beautiful mops to overcome taboos and figure this whole thing out? Wouldn't it have been more powerful to let the audience find out when the characters themselves found out—or even let Jon & Dany find out first and still find themselves falling head over knife wounds for each other?
— The Onion (@TheOnion) August 28, 2017
But the Powers That Be at the GoT Power Rankings are not trying to pick and prod at this plotline—this isn't an issue like the nonsensical way time works in Westeros. We've had 67 episodes (which comes out to approximately 69 hours) worth of story to accept that this show is super horny for sexual relations between blood relations. It's just like that classic proverb: never look a gift butt in the mouth.
— Michelle Collins (@michcoll) August 28, 2017
2. The Feel Good Best Friends Reunion Special: I don't think any episode of GoT has made me say awwwww outloud more than this one (I mean, pushing aside everything up above). While there's no denying that the dragon battles and White Walker stand-offs are thrilling pieces of action/CGI filmmaking, I still believe the show is at its best when it gets two or three people in a room, and let's them bounce off of one another. We had numerous examples of this in this episode, providing some of the most heartwarming (and heartwrenching) scenes of the season.
There were about half a dozen of these interactions in the Dragonpit section of the episode alone: Pod reuniting with Tyrion ("You can suck his magic cock later," Bronn helpfully chimes in); The Hound and Brienne meeting for the first time since Brienne almost killed him back in season four and talking about Arya (Brienne: "The only one who needs protecting is the one who gets in her way." The Hound: "Won't be me."); the three heroes of Blackwater Bay (Pod, Tyrion, Bronn) getting to show real emotion with one another (Tyrion: "It's good to see you again." Bronn: "Yeah, you too."); and even The Hound & Tyrion (The Hound: "Seems every bad idea has some Lannister cunt behind it." Tyrion: "And some Clegane cunt to help them see it through.").
But there's more! Like Jaime and Tyrion having a nice chat (one idiot to another) before Tyrion met with Cersei; Jon and Theon having a heart to heart about family values and forgiveness; Sansa and Arya finally complimenting and appreciating each other; even Bran got something approaching a human moment with Samwell. And the best surprise reunion of all wasn't even an explicitly happy one: the scene between Cersei and Tyrion stands up with the best of this entire season (which is no surprise, considering that Lena Headey and Peter Dinklage are two of the best actors in the entire show).
3. Zombie Dragon Attack Mode Engage: Last episode, the Night King stopped by the local Home Depot, bought some giant chains, and used it to drag Viserion out of a lake and turn him into a member of his undead army. At the climax of the season finale, we got to see it in action, destroying the one thing that has been standing between the White Walkers and the living. It's a total game changer that will almost certainly bring death and destruction upon Westeros. But my only question is: what the hell is the dragon breathing? Is it ice blasts? Is it like really hot ice that can melt The Wall? Is it like Cyclops' optic blast, but blue? When the Night King made the good dragon turn evil, did he also change its genes to turn it into, um, icefire?
They're going to build a new wall, and the Night King will pay for it.
— Sam Adams (@SamuelAAdams) August 28, 2017
It's a dragon laser. pic.twitter.com/lhB2B2xx2h
— Lisa Perks (@mediamarathon) August 28, 2017
4. Jon Snow Idiot Truthers: There was some real vindication this week for those of us who (rightfully) think that Jon Snow is one of the stupidest people in Westeros. After a very convincing presentation on zombies and how to kill them, we got an entire scene filled with some of Jon's closest allies (Tyrion, Davos, Dany) berating him for ruining their chance at a truce with Cersei, taking after his father in the most honorable but least strategically savvy way imaginable: "Have you ever considered learning how to lie every now and then, just a bit?" Tyrion asks. After Jon gives an impassioned speech about oaths and lies (it's a very Jon Snow speech, but not bad), Tyrion, ever the realist, responds, "That is indeed a problem. The more immediate problem is that we're fucked."
Hey, speaking of dummies, let's see which character The Mooch most identifies with:
"When enough ppl make false promises words stop meaning anything and then there are no more answers only better and better lies" --Jon Snow
— Anthony Scaramucci (@Scaramucci) August 28, 2017
Also, Jon Snow is an idiot because he's the only person wearing a bulky IKEA rug around King's Landing while everyone else is dressed relatively light. The sweat stains must be very hard to get out.
And just to add a little fuel to the fire, let's all imagine this is Jon Snow, and not actor Kit Harington, who told Sesame Street a terrible joke:
5. The Ghost Of Ned Stark's Manbun: While we didn't get any physical appearance or flashback to Sean Bean's iconic manbun, we did get at least three excellent references to him throughout the episode: first when everyone is berating Jon at the Dragonpit, then in Jon's conversation with Theon ("He is a part of you, just like he's a part of me"), and best of all, toward the end when Sansa and Arya quietly admit they both miss him very much. Another awwwww moment!
6. Lannister Men Calling Out Cersei's Bluffs: This was a pretty mixed week for Cersei, who effectively played her mind games on everyone during the big Dragonpit meeting, but ended up driving away the one person who really loved her. Both of her brothers ended up in intense conversations with her in which she threatened to kill them, and both of them called her bluff. For Tyrion, it's possible that Cersei was just toying with him as part of her plans to betray the alliance, but with Jaime, it seems like her paranoia and pride (and deep wells of hatred) got the best of her.
I like that GoT takes place in a world where both dragons exist and women don't drink wine while pregnant
— Starlee Kine (@StarleeKine) August 28, 2017
7. The Jaime & Bronn Comedy Hour: Last week, we had The Hound teaching Tormund synonyms for male genitalia. This week, we had Jaime and Bronn bantering about the Unsullied before the big parlay at Dragonpit. "Men without cocks, you wouldn't find me fighting in an army if I had no cock. What's left to fight for?" Bronn asks. "Maybe it really is all cocks in the end," Jaime concludes. And who could forget Tyrion, champion of the downtrodden (and cockless)? Biggest question though...was Bronn wearing more eyeliner than usual this episode?
8. The Hound & The Mountain: Confirmation Cleaganebowl: For years, superfans have been salivating (go here to learn more) at the prospect of estranged brothers The Hound and The Mountain fighting it out once and for all. When The Hound was seemingly killed at the end of season four, it seemed like they might be taking things in a different direction—but when he popped up again last season, it seemed like it was inevitable. Think of their brief interaction here as the teaser for the main event, like the weigh-in before a boxing match, complete with trash talk: "What did they do to you? It doesn't matter. You know who is coming for you. You've always known."
9. T-Pain: I never knew how much of a GoT fan auto-tune pioneer T-Pain is. His live tweeting of the finale has vaulted him onto my list of favorite celebrity GoT fans. Here are some highlights:
Bran wit the quick snitch lol #GameOfThrones
— T-Pain (@TPAIN) August 28, 2017
Get up off yo knees bitch. It's a bit late to be cryin. You been creepin on stark women for 20 years. TAKE THIS BLADE HOE!!!! #GameOfThrones
— T-Pain (@TPAIN) August 28, 2017
— T-Pain (@TPAIN) August 28, 2017
— T-Pain (@TPAIN) August 28, 2017
And this is the point where you shit your pants. #GameOfThrones
— T-Pain (@TPAIN) August 28, 2017
10. Sister Sister: Last week, I was annoyed that Arya & Sansa were (seemingly) on the verge of murdering each other during The Winterfell Soap Opera Hour. It was very frustrating to see that they were both falling into Littlefinger's trap. But this week, we learn that...they never did? Or maybe they did, but then they figured out what was going on off-screen? It's very confusing!
— Maisie Williams (@Maisie_Williams) August 28, 2017
Don't get me wrong: I am really glad they turned the tables on Littlefinger and shared some nice moments toward the end. But I don't understand why Arya was threatening to wear Sansa's face, or whether that was just for show or not. And why they would need to do that when he wasn't around. And if it wasn't that, how did they figure out Littlefinger was playing them and gather all that evidence against him?
It's much simpler in real life: BFFs Maise Williams and Sophie Turner are always delightful together, especially when they're showing off their superlative Sean Bean/Ned Stark impressions.
— Carpool Karaoke (@CarpoolKaraoke) August 22, 2017
11. Psychotic Pirate Joshua Jackson: We haven't seen Euron Greyjoy since he paraded through King's Landing in episode three, but he returned this week to taunt Theon about his sister, make some lame dwarf jokes, then storm out of the big Dragonpit meeting in a big huff (because he and Cersei made a secret deal for him to go collect the mercenary Golden Company from Essos). We enjoyed his joie de vivre in his first appearances this season (it's always nice when a villain really relishes being villainous), but his presence was a bit of a drag here. Maybe that's because the stakes of the White Walker/Night King battle are so much bigger than his shenanigans. Maybe it's because he was overshadowed next to the real heavyweights at that meeting. Or maybe it's just because of his connection to the bullet point below...
12. Remembering That Theon Greyjoy Is Still A Character On This Show, And That He's Getting His Own Separate Storyline For The Final Season: We only have six episodes left to complete the story of GoT—and yet, we spent about 10 minutes tonight focused on Theon Greyjoy (and watching him get beaten up for the hundredth time).
GoT writers: we don't have enough time for the story to make perfect sense.
Also GoT writers: Theon is still here and he's going on a quest
— Tom Ley (@ToLey88) August 28, 2017
He has barely had any speaking lines this season, but now that Jon has somewhat forgiven him (admittedly, this was a pretty good scene, but mostly because of what Jon says about not having to choose between two bloodlines, which is something that'll affect him next season), we are all supposed to be psyched that Theon LITERALLY MURDERS THE DUDE WHO SAVED HIS LIFE. Aren't the Ironborne supposed to be 20% nicer now or whatnot? And he did so by taking a page out of Bobby Hill's playbook ("That's my purse, I don't know you!"). And then the music literally swelled in the background as he pulverized a person's face. Weird.
I can buy dragons and ice zombies and incest, but I will NOT accept Theon's super no-penis strength. #GameOfThrones
— Josh Kurp (@JoshKurp) August 28, 2017
13. Tormund & Beric: We didn't expect to see them this episode after spending so much quality time with them last week, but it was nice to see the two still hanging out at Eastwatch...until the hordes of the undead arrive, and the Night King starts blasting The Wall to smithereens. No one could have survived that attack...unless they were wearing very strong plot armor. I don't think they would kill off two major supporting castmembers like that (especially not one as beloved at Tormund), right? Still, not a great week for those dudes. We didn't see a body, so I think they're okay (although, ugh, never forget what happened to The Blackfish).
14. Bran, The Worst Teenager In The Known World: Now that The Wall has been knocked down, Bran has been upgraded from Worst Teenager South Of The Wall to this. If Bran is supposed to know everything (as he's told everyone he's met this season, yes we GET IT), how could he get Jon's lineage so wrong? If it wasn't for Sam, he'd be going around telling everyone Jon is a Dornish bastard (hard to tell if that's any better or worse than being a Northern one). But then again, he probably wouldn't, since Bran hasn't shared the info with ANYONE until now. So does he wait until Jon gets to Winterfell to break the news or is he going to send a raven back to him ASAP before he has sex with his...oh whoops. Too late Bran, too late.
Bran: I am the Three-Eyed Raven.
Hostess: Sir, I just need to know how many are in your party.
— On Vacation Don't@me (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 28, 2017
ME: sorry I'm late guys, had some work stuff come up
BRAN STARK: he was masturbating
— albro (@bromanconsul) August 28, 2017
15. The Artist Formerly Known As Littlefinger: He should have run away the second Bran uttered his catchphrase, "chaos is a ladder." The writing has been on the wall for much of this season that Littlefinger's scheming has run its course. He excelled at turning Starks against one another and stirred the pot until there was confusion all around (just check out Sansa's impressive list of his achievements/crimes). But he had no place in the upcoming fight with the Night King, spending much of this season smiling creepily while chilling against walls. Hopefully, he can spend eternity in a pile of lozenges.
Actor Aidan Gillen talked to EW and genuinely described the impact on him: "Because the show is such a part of your life for so many years, you start to think, ‘What will your life will be like outside of it?’ It’s a potent loss," he said. "It also immediately makes you quantify the hugeness of what that experience has been over the last seven years, which has been massive."
me reading your tweets pic.twitter.com/NV65aNFPBD
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) August 28, 2017
The Viserys Targaryen Memorial Least Powerful Person Of The Week Award: This one goes to The Soldier Who Keeps Asking The Hound What's In The Box. Guy has no chill. As The Hound puts it, "anyone touches it, I'll kill you first."
The Ser Pounce Memorial Most Powerful Pet Of The Week Award: Ice Dragons aside, this was a quiet week for Very Good Pets Who Are Quite Good Yes They Are. So we're handing this one to Maple, the very patient pup who sits by while his best friend performs a (very good!) rendition of the theme song on his acoustic 12-string guitar.
Hey, Remember That Thing? Of The Week: So the big reveal, which we've all known a bit about for awhile, is that Jon's real parents are Lyanna Stark (Ned's sister) and Rhaegar Targaryen (brother to Viserys & Dany—all three are children of the "Mad King," Aerys II Targaryen). So he's not a bastard, his real name is Aegon Targaryen (confusingly, Rhaegar has another child also named Aegon, but that one was killed by The Mountain), and he actually has a better claim on the throne than Dany. (You can read more about it here.) Which might put a bit of a damper on their future plans together (I mean, assuming the whole incest thing doesn't do that first).
Oh, and an important addendum to all this:
— ✨ sᴜᴢɪᴇ sᴀᴍɪɴ ✨ (@suzannesamin) August 28, 2017
The Hodoriffic Honorary Minor Character Of The Week Award: You might have heard there are a bunch of GoT spinoffs being developed by HBO right now. Only one will probably get picked up, but it's very intriguing to wonder about what kinds of stories are being considered for it. I'd definitely enjoying watching a Better Call Saul type spinoff, like an entire show just about Bronn & Pod's adventures—it could be a 'heroes for hire' type situation, or it could be a show where they review every bar in Westeros.
[Bronn and Podrick proceed to get hammered for the remainder of the war]
— Walter Hickey (@WaltHickey) August 28, 2017
The Memorial Lord Oaf Of Highgarden Oafiest Glimpse Of The Night: I laughed out loud when Qyburn got super psyched about seeing the undead zombie, and examined its still-wriggling hand. A special shoutout to this dude as well:
I'm the guy who has to shovel the map room in King's Landing when it snows
— fran hoepfner (@franhoepfner) August 28, 2017
Most Savage Game Of Thrones Diss Of The Week:
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) August 28, 2017
Brotherhood Without Banjos (Or Bananas): Last week, we learned that actor Rory McCann (The Hound) bonded with coworkers during filming by taking part in nightly musical jams led by Richard Dormer (Beric Dondarrion) on the ukulele and Paul Kaye (R.I.P. Thoros of Myr) on the guitar. This week, Kristofer Hivju (Tormund) offered a delightful look at the musical happenings backstage:
What's Jon & Dany's Chemistry Like Behind-The-Scenes?Speaking to EW about the big incest reveal, both Kit Harington and Emilia Clarke described being a bit grossed out by the whole thing. Here's the funniest bit though:
“Usually you go into a movie and meet [your costar] for the first time and you develop that chemistry over that time,” Harington says. “But if you’ve known somebody for seven years and shared this incredible journey in your own lives together … we’re both kind of freaking out about it. I would be like, ‘What’s the sexual tension in this scene?’ and she’s like, ‘Stop talking about sexual tension!’ It’s a unique experience to be in as an actor and you know the world is watching.”
Concurs Clarke: “Yeah [I would say], ‘Would you just stop? Just give me some sexy eyes, don’t keep talking about sexual chemistry all the time,'” and added about the scene itself: “I love that when we get to the saucy stuff it’s a beautiful acceptance of a wordless … yep.”
Ser Davos also talked about it. "It's a bit of a trip, isn't it?" actor Liam Cunningham told Hollywood Reporter. "It's a bit of a weird one, when you wake up the following morning, if you got the text message: 'Don't go near that woman! She's your aunt!' That would be very awkward if you're lying on the pillow and having a look while she's still asleep! Or vice versa! What if she gets the SMS? It's kind of awkward! I would not want to be sitting at the breakfast table with the two of them when they both find out, let me put it to you that way."
Piratewatch 2017: Will Salladhor Saan Save The Day? Look, Euron is all about sea battles, and he'll have the Golden Company in his corner soon—Theon is gonna need some experienced backup on his side if he really wants to defeat his kooky uncle. Who better to help with that than the guy who knows the sea better than anyone, Mr. Saan?
The Eight Season Eight Questions That, Regardless Of Whether They Are Ever Going To Be Answered, Are Going To Drive Us Nuts For The Next 10-18 Months:
- Are Tormund and Beric dead?
- What the hell was up with those shots of Tyrion creepily watching Jon enter Dany's bedroom for boatsex?
- Is Edmure Tully still locked up in the dungeons of the Riverlands (and who the heck is in charge of the Riverlands now anyway)?
- Where did the army of the dead find the giant chains they used to drag Viserion out of the lake?
- Why isn't Lyanna Mormont one of the main characters of the show?
- Is anyone every going to mention Rickon again?
- Is Bran really the Night King?
- Where is Ghost?!?
Maybe the White Walkers are marching south just to sell their giant chain technology to the human market.
— Mark Lisanti (@marklisanti) August 28, 2017
Eight Endgame Predictions For Season Eight:
- Dany is going to get pregnant thanks to her nephew/lover
- ...And then Dany will die?!
- Someone is going to be named in honor of Ned Stark
- Arya is going to complete her list and kill Cersei
- Theon is going to save Yara, redeem himself, and probably get killed in the process
- I will tear up when Arya and Jon hug
- Bran will tell Jon he is a tree raven wizard dude when they meet again
- The Hound and The Mountain will fight to the death
Final season starts on a close-up of The Hound.
"Fuck this," he mutters, then spends six episodes murdering every person on the show.
— Peter Suderman (@petersuderman) August 28, 2017
Episodic Power Rankings, Season Seven Edition:
7. Stormborn, 7.2: Wherein Arya ran into Nymeria, Grey Worm & Missandei got a gosh darn sex scene, and Euron Greyjoy made a surprise attack.
6. Dragonstone, 7.1: Wherein Arya wiped out the Freys, Sam cleaned up some bed pans, and Dany landed at Dragonstone.
5. The Queen's Justice, 7.3: Wherein Cersei got her revenge on Ellaria Sands, Dany & Jon finally came face-to-face, and the Queen of Thorns told Jaime a very big secret.
4. Eastwatch, 7.5: Wherein Davos found Gendry in King's Landing, Littlefinger tried to drive Sansa & Arya apart, and Jon formed an all-star group to go on a wight hunt.
3. Beyond The Wall, 7.6: Wherein the Westerosi Seven had a standoff with the White Walkers, Arya & Sansa's feud got weird, and the Night King bagged himself a dragon.
2. The Dragon And The Wolf, 7.7: Wherein most of the major characters had a pow wow at Dragonpit, Bran & Sam figured out Jon's real heritage, Sansa & Arya killed Littlefinger, and Jon & Dany had epic boatsex.
1. The Spoils Of War, 7.4: Wherein Jon & Dany went spelunking, Arya returned to Winterfell, and Dany attacked the Lannisters with her dragons.
Here is a visual representation of the pacing in Game of Thrones. pic.twitter.com/HObMQHagvr
— TomSka (@thetomska) August 17, 2017
Way Beyond The Wall: Despite his Olympic-level running last episode, Gendry was put on the sidelines this episode. Yara Greyjoy got mentioned a lot, but we don't actually know where she is. I'm super sad Lyanna Mormont wasn't invited to Dragonpit (or even Littlefinger's trial). Melisandre is somewhere far from Westeros right now as well.
Now to our regular bench warmers: Meera Reed has ridden off into the sunset. Tycho Nestoris is back in Braavos. Hot Pie is busy making pies. Ellaria Sands, and what's left of that one Sand Snake, are taking up space in the King's Landing basement (same with Septa Unella, assuming she's still being tortured somewhere in King's Landing). The Maesters are probably still having that meeting at the Citadel. No check-in with Robyn Arryn (aka Prepubescent Julian Casablancas), the mighty Ser Pounce, Daario Naharis 2.0, Edmure Tully (assuming he's still alive), The Children Of The Forest (they aren't all dead, right?), and The Faceless Men (at least they got a shoutout).
3. identify the eye color of a bear from 100 ft away during a 0 visibility blizzard pic.twitter.com/hM4Yy6GhWw
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) August 21, 2017
Thanks again for reading and commenting all season. It made staying up until 4 a.m. every week worth it. Until season eight, enjoy a rendition of the theme song on a 21-string gayageum: