Ah, Rikers Island. It was once a true fashionista's paradise, where visitors were free to gallavant about in spandex, miniskirts, and bosom-heaving tops. But not anymore! Now the prison is cracking down on scantily clad lady visitors, denying them their God-given right to bear boobs and forcing them to wear hideous neon green XXXL T-shirts instead.

"I have to wear what?" exclaimed one visitor upon seeing the shirts. "You're just trying to make me look bad in front of my man," she said, before complaining about the time she spent fixing her hair and makeup. The new Rikers dress code is "intended to ensure the safety and well-being of the inmate population," said a spokesperson, but also to calm the, ahem, eager inmates, some of whom have been busted getting it on with their significant others in kid-filled public areas. "It was really gross," said one supervisor. "It was really getting out of control."

The city spent $5,000 for 800 of the t-shirts, which Norman Seabrook, president of the Correction Officers' Benevolent Association, called "a waste of money." Current Rikers visitor dress code prohibits "hooded garments" and "shorts, skirts or dresses the hem of which is more than three inches above the knee," and insists, sadly, that "all visitors must wear undergarments."