In case you do not worship at the altar of the one true god (George R.R. Martin), or have never used the Internet, you might not be aware that fantasy epic Game Of Thrones will be returning to Sunday nights on HBO this weekend. We're headed into the third season, which is an adaptation of the much-loved third book (or at least half of that book), and you can be assured that many heads will roll as the season progresses. But wait, you say—what if I haven't read the books, don't obsess over every tidbit of casting news (Diana Riggs as Queen of Thorns? Perfect), and can't quite remember where we left off with season 2? Worry not young wargs: below, check out who's dead and who's still alive. But beware, because spoilers are coming.
First off, go ahead and watch a recap of season 2 with Executive Producers, D.B. Weiss and David Benioff. Or watch The Daily Beast's much more streamlined version.
Now down to brass tacks, thanks to some fun fan-made gifs:
: Still alive, but imprisoned by her son Robb after she sent Brienne to take Jamie Lannister to King's Landing to negotiate for her daughters back.
: Things have been mixed lately for The King in the North—he lost Jamie Lannister, sorta brother Theon Greyjoy betrayed him, his home Winterfell has been sacked. On the other hand, he keeps defeating the Lannisters in battle, and he just got married to hot nurse Talisa.
: Jon Snow is still alive after his commander, Qhorin Halfhand, convinced him to kill him in combat to appear to betray the Night's Watch and infiltrate the Wildings.
Ygritte The Wilding
: Currently reminding Jon Snow that he knows nothing.
This deserter from The Wall
: We hardly knew ye, and yet, you were the first character we met.
: Arya escaped Harrenhall along with friends Gendry and Hot Pie with the help of face-changing assassin Jaqen H'ghar.
: Bran barely escaped the siege of Winterfell with Hodor, Osha, and little brother Rickon, and now they are all headed toward The Wall, per deceased Maester Luwin's instructions.
: Who? Oh yeah. He's still alive.
: On the plus side, she's no longer engaged to Joffrey. On the negative side, she got her first period, and she has no protection, so that's kind of a bummer. Basically, she's just kind of hanging in King's Landing being sad.
King Robert Baratheon
: The previous king of Westeros was gored by a boar. He was pretty fun when he wasn't depressed over his dead love, Ned's sister Lyanna.
King Joffrey Baratheon:
Still alive, still the worst. Currently luxuriating in his own cowardly glory in King's Landing after the battle of Blackwater.
: He was torn apart in King's Landing because everyone hates Joffrey so much.
Our one true love is unfortunately engaged to that little shit King Joffrey.
Sir Loras Tyrell
: Renly Baratheon's former lover is hanging in King's Landing with his sister.
: Robert's youngest brother was felled by a smoke monster birthed from Melisandre's dark womb.
: Barely survived the Battle of Blackwater, retreated to Dragonstone with his ladyfriend Melisandre, the aforementioned smoke monster-birthing witch.
: The witchy priestess to the Lord Of Light is at Dragonstone with her man, Stannis.
: Stannis' right hand man was blown out of the water during the Battle Of Blackwater. Currently MIA.
: After drinking her way through the battle of Blackwater, Joffrey's mom is currently drinking her way through the post-Blackwater world.
: Currently en route to King's Landing with best friend forever Brienne Of Tarth.
Brienne Of Tarth:
Escorting Jaime to King's Landing while being the toughest lady on TV since Calamity Jane.
: Papa Lannister is back in King's Landing serving as Hand of the King.
: Everyone's favorite half-man is currently recovering from some nasty facial injuries he received during the battle of Blackwater (he was saved by squire Podrick Pane).
This Guy Who Tyrion Killed
: He killed him good.
: Tyrion's favorite whore is now also Sansa's handmaiden.
: Tyrion's best friend and now a knight of the realm!
This Guy Who Tried To Kill Bronn
: Don't mess with Bronn.
: After being shamed at Winterfell by his sister, Theon was knocked unconscious by one of his own men.
: She found her dragons after finally visting (and subsequently burning down) the House of the Undying. Last we saw, Dany fled Qarth with Jorah Mormont on entombed Xaro Xhaon Daxos's ships.
Sir Jorah Mormont:
Like the song goes, Jorah is sticking by his woman, Daenerys.
: Daenerys's crazytown brother got that golden crown he was always harping about…in the form of a molten pot of death metal to the head.
: Mercy suffocated by decorative throw pillow at the hands of his wife Daenerys.
: Catelyns crazy sister is still in The Eyrie, probably just kicking back and breastfeeding her 8-year-old.
: Jon Snow's chubby best friend is somewhere beyond The Wall, dealing with PTSD after seeing the White Walkers in person.
: Encouraged Jon Snow to kill him after they were captured by Wildings. Subsequently killed by Sad Jon Snow.
: The mangled warrior got freaked out by all the fire and magic during the battle of Blackwater, fled King's Landing, told Joffrey to piss off, and has now gone rogue, most likely on an epic drinking binge.
Varys The Spider:
Still scheming, having witty conversations with Tyrion, in King's Landing.
: Still scheming for more power in King's Landing.
Grand Maester Pycelle
: Recovering from Tyrion's punishment, but officially reinstated to his position on the small council by Lord Tywin.
Ser Barristan Selmy
: After King Joffrey disses Selmy by dismissing him from the Kingsguard, Selmy storms out of King's Landing in a huff.
Ser Rodrik Cassel:
Like poor dead Ned, Ser Rodrik lost his head in an epically botched beheading by Theon "Ladies Man" Greyjoy.
: After dishing out some dying grandfatherly advice to Rickon and Bran Stark after being stabbed during the sack of Winterfell, the Stark's loyal maester is given the gift of mercy in the Godswood by reformed wildling Osha.
: Poor horsey.