Two weeks ago on Game Of Thrones, Tyrion got wasted at his own wedding, Melisandre's discovered penis leeches, and Samwell killed a White Walker. This week...we had a wedding. Since the show is all about how people jockey for power, we've decided to follow along this season with our Game of Thrones Power Rankings—aka, who is owning this week.
But first, considering that the Red Wedding (justifiably) overshadowed everything else that happened, here is a video compilation of priceless reactions, along with some amazing GIFs:
Game Of Thrones Power Rankings, Week 9:
1. Roose Bolton: Walder Frey may have hosted the wedding, but it was Roose who seemingly engineered it, personally giving Robb the death blow: "The Lannisters send their regards."
2. Walder Frey: The man really takes oaths personally. A true man of honor. Maybe he'll pull a Craster and start marrying his daughters.
3. Daenerys Targaryen: It feels unfair to compare Dany's triumph in Yunkai with the cavernous lows of the Red Wedding, but she did have a pretty solid week—unfortunately, she seems to have succumbed to the charms of surfer warrior brah.
4. Bran Stark: Unlocked level 5 warging abilities, dedicated to going on a quest beyond The Wall, is now arguably the most mature Stark left alive.
5. Jon Snow: Were any of the Wildlings actually surprised when he revealed his true colors? One: his so-called love, Ygritte. Cold stuff, Jon Snow, even for a Northerner.
6. Edmure Tully: Got married to a hottie AND got laid! Also, most of his family was murdered at his wedding!
7. The Hound: He may boast that he's a mean bastard, but he keeps undermining it by being surprisingly kind and compassionate with Arya. He's a big softie who's afraid of fire.
8. Ygritte: So when push comes to shove, she was ready to fight her fellow Wildlings for Jon Snow...and he pushes her aside and abandons her.
9. Jorah Mormont: Dude, let it go—you can't compete with surfer warrior brah.
10. Hodor: Hodor feels the same way about thunder as the Yankees and Red Sox.
11. Arya Stark: God damnit. Somebody buy her some ice cream or something.
The Viserys Targeryen Memorial Least Power Person Of The Week Award: Samwell Tarly may be a wizard or something, but he never went back for the god damn White Walker-destroying knife, so we don't care.
The Red Wedding Honorary Prize For Most Dead Protagonists In One Episode: Unsurprisingly, we have a three-way tie between Robb Stark, Catelyn Stark, and Talisa (and poor, unborn Eddard Stark II). We'll miss all of you, even if we won't miss your boring expository scenes at Riverrun.
Rickon Watch 2013: Did Rickon Do Anything? YES. We're pretty sure that Rickon had more lines in this episode than he has had in the entire show so far. This may be the last we see of Rickon for awhile, so kudos to him for reminding us that he exists, and will probably end up being the last Stark standing when all this is over.
Not Applicable: This may be the first time in the show that we didn't visit King's Landing, so no sign of the Lannister or Tyrell clans; no sign of Stannis, Melisandre and the Dragonstone crew; no tortured Theon; no Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth; no Brotherhood Without Banners; no Varys and Littlefinger; and no sign of poor Sansa Stark. Also, is Mance Rayder still on this show?
Until next week's season finale, here's the theme song as played on eight floppy drives: