Last week on Game Of Thrones, we had a display of dragons, some romance near The Wall, and a BEAR fight. This week, Tyrion got wasted as his own wedding, Melisandre's gotten into penis leeches, and we yelled at Samwell to pick up the dagger. Since the show is all about how people jockey for power, we've decided to follow along this season with our Game of Thrones Power Rankings—aka, who is owning this week.
Game Of Thrones Power Rankings, Week 8:
1. Daenerys Targaryen: We're at the point where fierce soldiers with long-flowing locks kill their compatriots for her without her even asking.
2. Tywin Lannister: He didn't do much besides scold Tyrion (and also try to keep him from getting killed), but he set in motion all the misery that spread across King's Landing this week.
3. Joffrey Baratheon: Our little King Shit was at his most sadistic this week (well, the most sadistic he can be without killing someone with a crossbow), stealing Tyrion's stool and threatening to rape Sansa.
4. Oleanna Redwyne: The Tyrells were completely outmatched by the Lannisters this week, but this wouldn't be Game Of Thrones if the Queen Of Thorns didn't get the best lines, explaining the new family tree to Margarey: "Your brother will become your father-in-law, that much is beyond dispute."
5. Melisandre: "Let's fight death together" is a pretty decent pickup line, we guess.
6. Stannis Baratheon: The aftermath of the Battle Of Blackwater has gone a long way to making Stannis a much more sympathetic character. He's still struggling with being The Lord Of Light's special chosen one, but at least he came to his senses about Davos.
7. Ser Davos: The moral voice of Dragonstone seems to get through to Stannis, even if he is also questioning his own beliefs in the face of penis leeches and shadow babies. Also, he's learning to read.
8. Cersei Lannister: Her wedding may be inevitable, but that doesn't mean she wants to sit around and listen to Loras' stories.
9. Margarey Tyrell: Learned important lessons about family relations from her grandmother and Cersei. Definitely not on her game this week.
10. Sansa Stark: Although she obviously has a pretty bad time at her wedding, she gets a slight nod above Tyrion because she is married to the most decent guy in all of King's Landing (even if she doesn't quite realize it yet).
11, Tyrion Lannister: The Lord Of Tits And Wine had an absolutely miserable episode, exaggerating his own drunkness to avoid being killed by Joffrey, getting the evil eye from his love Shae, and desperately trying not to hurt young Sansa. But on the other hand, actor Peter Dinklage had a fantastic episode!
12. Arya Stark: Lots of miserable people in this episode! But as much as Arya yearns to be free, The Hound is definitely not the worst person in Westeros to be stuck with.
13. Gendry: Penis-leeching is only a step above Theon torture.
14. Samwell Tarly: Samwell probably deserves to be higher up on the rankings thanks to his episode-closing heroics with the White Walker. But because he's Samwell Tarly, he (seemingly) left the magical dagger in the snow to run away from some crows, which is infuriating.
The Viserys Targeryen Memorial Least Powerful Person Of The Week Award: Loras Tyrell: With a lack of Theon Greyjoy and an unusual display of semi-competency from Samwell Tarly, the Knight of Flowers takes the cake this week. Although we're sure that anecdote about his dad would have been killer.
Rickon Watch 2013: Did Rickon Do Anything? No sign of our favorite Stark child this week, although who can even tell the difference.
Did Anybody Get Naked?13-year-old show consultant Adam Friedberg was working extra hard (ugh) this week: we had a bounty of butts and breasts courtesy of Melisandre and Daenerys. Not everyone was pleased by this.
Not Applicable: Since we had arguably the most focused episode of GOT since last season's "Blackwater," a lot of our favorite characters were on the sidelines, including Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth; Jon Snow, Ygritte and The Wall climbers; no Brotherhood Without Banners; Robb Stark, Catelyn Stark, and the boring Northerners; Brann Stark, Osha, Hodor and the Reeds; Littlefinger, Varys and poor mutilated Theon Greyjoy. Also worth noting: it's been ages since we've seen Mance Rayder. What's he been up to?
There's no new episode next week (HBO is airing Behind The Candelabra over Memorial Day Weekend), so check back in two week's for what is sure to be an intense penultimate episode to season three. Until then, the night is dark and full of frets: