Last week on Game Of Thrones, Arya arrived at her destination, Stannis offered Jon Snow something, and Brienne ran into a familiar face. This week, we met the High Sparrow, Arya started her training, and Sansa goes home. GOT is all about how people jockey for power, so click through for our season five Game Of Thrones Power Rankings.
Game Of Thrones Power Rankings, Week 3:
1. Face-Shifting Assassin Monks Who Speak In The Third Person: Jaqen H'ghar may pray to a personification of death known as the Many-Faced God, but he is a devout follower of Illeism. (Also, if you want to read some possibly spoiler-y speculation about Jaqen, go here.)
2. Avengers: Age Of Hodor: Vengeance was on the mind of many prominent characters, one of two major themes helping unite the episode (see #5 for the other one) as it zipped around the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros and across the Narrow Sea. Littlefinger encourages Sansa to avenge her family by marrying Ramsay Bolton; Stannis encourages Jon Snow to avenge his family by helping him take the North; and Brienne needs no one to encourage her to want to avenge Renly by killing Stannis.
3. Queen Margaery, Child Coitus: The fact that she's taking advantage of the sweetest king who ever lived isn't surprising, but it's a testament to her courtly acumen that she can't even wait until her honeymoon to start manipulating Tommen into sending Cersei to Casterly Rock.
She's been a bit of a sleeper over recent seasons, as would-be-king after would-be-king was murdered by shadowbaby or poisoned. But when Margaery and Cersei have their knives drawn on each other, it's like Godzilla facing off with Mothra. Her complete ownage of Cersei (with wine zingers) proves she's picked up a lot from her beloved grandmother, the Queen of Thorns.
Surprised that Cersei doesn't look like the Hound after that sick burn #GameofThrones
— James Grebey (@jgrebes) April 27, 2015
4. King Tommen, Lord Of The Boners: Tommen, half lion/half stag, feels like he's won the lottery. Sure, he has absolutely no idea what he's doing being king, but he gets to do what he really wants to do "all day every day for the rest of my life." Maybe he'll set a few records along the way!
Basically, this innocent idiot is everyone's favorite character now.
I just picture King Tommen sending all his friends a letter after his wedding night that opened with “Guys. You guys. YOU GUYS.”
— Danger Guerrero (@DangerGuerrero) April 27, 2015
Tommen losing his virginity was the realest scene in history. This is all I want to do, all day, every day!
— Feitelberg (@FeitsBarstool) April 27, 2015
Tommen is adorable. He's offering post-coital cake and pomegranate juice too. Aawww. *pats his head* #GameofThrones
— Awesomely Luvvie (@Luvvie) April 27, 2015
Tommen will have a freakin' beard by episode 5 at this rate. #GOT
— Ryan McGee (@TVMcGee) April 27, 2015
Tommen looks very different now. pic.twitter.com/m3uY5oqU6x
— Josh Kurp (@JoshKurp) April 27, 2015
4.5 King Tommen, Lord Of The Farts: How old is Tommen anyway? We know he is younger than Joffrey, so he's definitely under 18. Is he 14? Even GOT scholars can't decide.
— Slade Sohmer (@SladeHV) October 20, 2014
5. I Don't Wanna Grow Up, Cause Maybe If I Did, I Wouldn't Be A Stark Kid: The second thing uniting the episode is the parallels between the lives of the three remaining Stark children (who aren't taking a season off and/or are named Rickon). They're all actively taking back the reigns of their lives in the wake of four seasons of betrayals and beheadings, but they all also carry the fear that they're losing their shared heritage, their past together.
Arya struggles to become no one at The House Of Black & White; she can't give up Needle, her beloved sword Jon Snow gave to her in the second episode of the first season. She hides away a part of herself, ensuring that no matter how much she talks in the third person, Arya Stark will still remember.
Just got emotional about the potential departure of a prop, in case you're wondering about my mental state. #GOT
— Ryan McGee (@TVMcGee) April 27, 2015
Lord Commander Snow sticks to his vows to the Night's Watch, giving up his best chance of becoming Jon Stark; he's also put to his first big test as Lord Commander when he's forced to deal with Janos Slynt's insubordination. Like his father in the show's pilot, he wields the sword himself.
Game of Thrones comics pic.twitter.com/aD6Sr3MahI
— Jon Snow (@LordSnow) April 23, 2015
Meanwhile, after a very paternal pep talk from Littlefinger, Darth Sansa takes a deep breath and decides to go along with the Bolton marriage plot. Once she's back in Winterfell, a maid repeats one of the old family mantras: "The North remembers."
Related: showrunner David Benioff discussed Sansa's story with EW:
“Sansa started as such a naive innocent,” he said. “She’s been traumatized by what she’s seen and she spent almost a couple years in shell shock. At a certain point she’s either going to die or survive and become stronger. She’s chosen the latter option and she’s learned from an incredibly devious teacher in Littlefinger. The interesting thing about Littlefinger is he seems to have no almost no weaknesses aside from his affection for Sansa. He’s been obsessed with her since that early episode at the joust.”
6. Those Lovable Boltons: Both of our favorite sadists were on their best behavior this week, with Roose working to solidify his hold on the North with Ramsay's marriage to Sansa. Ramsay's promise not to harm his intended makes us feel queasy.
7. The Accent Formerly Known As Littlefinger: "Avenge them with forehead kisses," he whispered into Sansa's brow in an accent that wavered between Irish, Baltimore-ish, and Asgardian...ish.
— Fast Company (@FastCompany) April 23, 2015
8. Cersei Lannister, Religious Opportunist: The Queen Regent of passive aggressiveness has to make a move after Margaery, that "smirking whore from Highgarden," calls her 'dowager queen.' So she strikes up an alliance with the leader of the deeply religious Sparrows...
9. High Sparrow: "Hypocrisy is a boil. Lancing a boil is never pleasant." He seemed pretty chill up to that quote, but maybe that's all just Jonathan Pryce zen vibes clouding our vision.
Game of Thrones has some good golf courses in it.
— Josh Greenman (@joshgreenman) April 27, 2015
10. Stannis Baratheon's Unwavering Grim Demeanor: A "complicated man" is one way of putting it. There's no doubt that Stannis is killing it in his role as angry distant surrogate father to Jon Snow though.
stannis and davos are literally good cop/bad cop parenting jon snow
— a stern potato (@soldierpines) April 27, 2015
11. Ser Davos, Anger Translator: Basically, he's Stannis' Luther, only the opposite: "I'm not a learned man, but the best way to help the most people might not be sitting in a frozen castle at the end of the world. It just might mean wading in the muck getting your boots dirty and doing what needs to be done."
when u watch game of thrones then break the law pic.twitter.com/PSfSu4i5h4
— becca (@margaerytyreII) April 26, 2015
12. Brienne Of Fucking Tarth & World's Oldest Squire Podrick Payne: Definitely the sweetest scene in the entire episode. Pod compliments Brienne's fighting skills, Brienne promises to teach Pod to fight, Pod squints, Brienne shares memories of Renly, Pod squints more, Brienne vows to murder Stannis, good times all around. A+ scene, more bonding please.
13. Despite All His Rage, Varys Is Still Just A Rat In A Stagecoach: Yes, it is a perfectly good face.
YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS GAME OF THRONES SPOILER!!! pic.twitter.com/Dz4tzcrkQq
— Jonah Ray (@jonahray) April 26, 2015
14. Tyrion's Flaccid Rollercoaster Of Emotions: He's just too sad to have sex :( What will he do to pass the time now :(
I hope they keep killing people by season 6 I want it to be just varys and tyrion traveling around in a van solving mysteries
— Tim Pope (@tpope) April 27, 2015
15. Hey There Reek, How Are Yo—Oh, Sorry, I Didn't Realize You Were Busy. Don't Let Us Interrupt. I Know You've Got Lots Of Scurrying To Do: You know how you know this was a good week for the man formerly knows as Theon Greyjoy?
- a) He wasn't flayed
- b) He didn't have any body parts amputated
- c) He wasn't tortured
- d) He avoided Sansa's gaze
- e) He wasn't forced to torture someone else or witness someone else's torture
- f) He didn't speak a line of dialogue
1600000000000. Ser Friendzone: Dude. Pull it together.
Some kid keeps trying to spoil Game of Thrones for me on Twitter, but the joke's on him as I can't remember any characters' names
— Greg Miller (@GameOverGreggy) April 26, 2015
The Viserys Targaryen Memorial Least Powerful Person Of The Week Award: Farewell Janos Slynt. You sealed your fate when you admitted you were afraid. There's no room for fear on The Wall. Also, you were a total dick. Nobody liked you.
The Ser Pounce Memorial Most Powerful Pet Of The Week Award: We're not sure exactly who (or...what?) it was, but something definitely groaned in Qyburn's lab. Could it have been...The Mountain?
The Remember Roz Sex Quotient: A fair amount of butts and brothels this week, two major scenes in particular: the brothel where Tyrion runs into Jorah, and the High Septon's sexytime role playing with the seven gods at Littlefinger's brothel. What's most interesting here is how the Sparrows punish the Septon: by making him walk naked through the streets as people hiss "sinner" and occasionally flog him.
The Hodoriffic Honorary Minor Character Of The Week Award: He only had one line in the entire episode, but as usual, Grand Maester Pycelle outrage-stuttered his way into our hearts.
"A man's private affairs ought to stay private!" - maester pycelle LOL #demthrones
— Brittany Newton (@bnewification) April 27, 2015
The Lord Oaf Of Highgarden Oafiest Glimpse Of The Night: Of course he's flabbergasted by the sexual exploits of the High Septon.
Mace Tyrell is the goofiest munchkin in all the land. #GameofThrones
— tobes (@tobesthe) April 27, 2015
The Christopher Wallace 'I'll Be Missing You' Recipient: Someone had the audacity to ask this week, "Is Ygritte really the universe's strongest entity? Is there any way of proving this?" Spoiler alert: they prove it.
The Tupac Shakur 'I Wrote This Song In '94' Recipient: No Dorne action this week, but Oberyn Martell showed up in a somewhat surprising place: the new Sia video. With Heidi Klum. And based on the YouTube comments, there are some complicated continuity issues at stake in the Sia music video world.
Rickon Watch 2015: Is Rickon Still On This Show? We too have no doubt that Rickon could kill a man with a tree stump, if he wanted.
Way Beyond The Wall: We took a week off from Meereenee and Dany's crew (Dany, Her Dragons, Missandei, Grey Worm, Daario 2.0, Ser Barristan Selmy, various former slaves and former masters), and from Dorne (Prince Doran Martell, Ellaria Sand) and the Dorne-bound duo Jaime & Bronn.
No Previously On GOT Ghost Of Ned Stark's Manbun & The Previously On GOT Replay Of Joffrey Baratheon's Death, Queen of Thorns/Olenna Tyrell, and Pirate Of Stannis Salladhor Saan. There was obviously no Bran/Hodor/Tree Wizard (duh), no distant Tully relatives (Edmure, Blackfish) and no Brotherhood Without Banners. We do remember who Hot Pie and Gendry are, but we only sorta remember what they look like.
As ever, we don't know what's the status on The Hound or The Mountain (or DO we), both of whom seemed to be in various states of mortal danger last we saw. And we'll finally meet the Sand Snakes next week.
Speaking of which: next week on GOT, Cersei gets closer to the High Sparrow, The Sons Of The Harpy get bolder, and Jon Snow gets challenged. Until then, break out your green screens and your toy xylophones.