The Red Hook Criterium, a balls-to-the-wall fixed gear bike race for bold and brake-less, will be returning to the neighborhood's awkwardly cobbled streets for the sixth time on Sat., March 30.

The event, which features "cycling talent from around the world," is probably as close as most modern day spectators will get to picnicking next to the Battle of Bull Run, enabling bystanders to nosh on $20 lobster rolls while road racers, bike messengers and anyone else who cares suitably little about their teeth careen around a notoriously gnarly course in the dark. For those who prefer to keep two feet firmly planted on the ground, a 5K running race will also be held. Free water! The men's race is sold out, but registration for the women's run is still open to entrants as of press time.

As for the crit, the race will be held on a 1.25 km track in the Brooklyn Cruise Terminal, with riders navigating hairpin turns and scarred terrain for a total of 24 grueling laps, apparently at speeds of nearly 30 mph.

If watching other people exercise makes you hungry, food from Calexico, Red Hook Lobster Pound, Monk's Meats, and Waffles & Dinges will be available.

The event isn't all hedonistic splendor. The race's title sponsor, Rockstar Games, will funneling all proceeds from its specialized merchandise (socks! caps!) to Restore Red Hook, which has dedicated its efforts to rehabilitating the neighborhood's homes and small businesses that took a beating in Hurricane Sandy.

Will there be blood? Sure, says David Trimble, the crit's founder. "Bike racing is dangerous," he said, adding that past races have resulted in a few minor injuries, "but nothing too gruesome. That being said, there will definitely be some skin lost on Saturday night."

The Red Hook Criterium will be held at the Brooklyn Cruise Terminal, located at 72 Bowne St. Festivities will kick-off at 3:30 p.m. and go 'til "late." Click here for more information.