sicha_big.jpgThe Basics
Age and occupation. How long have you lived here, where did you come from, and where do you live now?
I’m "29," and I’ve been in the East Village for a decade. Everything prior to that has evaporated.

Three For Thee
1. What's the best and worst part of doing Gawker?
The best part of it is the money. That check comes once a month and I open it and shriek "I’m RIIIIIICH!" The worst part is all the fantastic dishy things I find out that I can’t print.

2. It has been written that you once lived the simple life on a farm. This strikes me as charming, odd, but altogether appropriate. So, what were your specific chores and did it prepare you for the funny farm we call NYC?
I was a terribly lazy, inefficient, and self-centered child. I didn’t once do homework, chores, or much of anything besides having sex with my classmates, smoking cigarettes, and lighting things on fire. That is why I am a writer now.

3. Got any more thoughts on serving the stiff rod of justice now?
I strongly believe in America’s fair and equitable trial system. I don’t think that prosecutors and attorneys pursue cases in certain ways for careerist gain in the slightest! Most of all, I truly believe in the perfect impartial jury.

Proust-Krucoff Questionnaire
Time travel question: What era, day or event in New York's history would you like to re-live?
On September 16, 1920, a horse and wagon pulled up at the JP Morgan bank building. As the Trinity Church bells struck noon, the wagon (and horse, surely) exploded, killing 35, injuring 130. I sure wish I’d been there.

9pm, Wednesday night - what are you doing?
Wednesdays are devoted to crying over misguided hate mail from New York Observer readers.

What's your New York motto?
"I have an outstanding warrant in California and I can’t go back"?

Best celebrity sighting in New York, or personal experience with one if you're that type.
I suppose I enjoyed the dinner at which Matthew Broderick turned to me and asked, "Excuse me, who are you exactly?"

What's the most expensive thing in your wardrobe?
Everything in my wardrobe is equally inexpensive.

Finish one of the four following sentences:
2) "She took him to the Whitney Museum where Vladimir admired a row of..."
shiny-headed cretins?

Where do you summer?
This year marks my retirement from summering, as a matter of fact. If I haven’t yet become the first member to be expelled from Soho House, I will spend Summer ’04 upon their roof. I’ll be the bloated one. No, the other bloated one.

Who do you consider to be the greatest New Yorker of all-time?
All truly great New Yorkers spend the best years of their lives in exile from New York. I’m going to decline to name the name, but he knows who he is.

What was your best dining experience in NYC?
Who knows, but it was certainly ordered in.

Just how much do you really love New York?
I love it enough to put up with the Russian theoretical physicist who plays bongos in the apartment upstairs.

What happened the last time you went to L.A.?
I’m going to have to take a pass on that question. He knows who he is.

Medication: What and how much do you take?
I have a prescription for klonopin: "Take one as needed upon boarding."

Of all the movies made about (or highly associated with) New York, what role would you have liked to be cast in?
I’d like to have been the window treatments in Rosemary’s Baby.

If you could change one thing about New York, what would it be?
I’d enjoy a crosstown double-level taxi-only expressway, perhaps running above 23rd Street; the street itself could be turned into a giant walk-in closet.

The End of The World is finally happening. Be it the Rapture, War of Armageddon, reversal of the Sun's magnetic field, or the Red Sox win the World Series. What are you going to do with your last 24 hours in NYC?
I’d really like to have sex with Mike Bloomberg, but I suppose he’d be all unavailable - typical.