chelsea_big.jpgThe Basics
Age and occupation. How long have you lived here, where did you come from, and where do you live now?
25, writer and comic. I moved here for school in 1996 from California. Now live in East Village.

Three for Thee
1. I tried re-naming neighborhoods once, but you did a much better job here. What's the nightlife like in Nolob these days?
I am never home. So nightlife in Nolob is pretty much halted. It involves a lot of flannel blanket, silence, and stillness. When I am home, as always, it’s laughter, laughter, laughter through the tears.

2. What's your heckler's retort if I called you fat and ugly in the middle of a performance?
I would say something like: Careful now, careful! I hurt easy.

3. Okay, black people might love you, but how about the Jews?
I do good with Jews. They pay me well for Jew-themed shows and my mother is one.

Proust-Krucoff Questionnaire
Please share a personal (and hopefully interesting) NYC taxi story.
Ok, this was with this older Jamaican cabdriver...

We drove by a strip club and he pointed to it and said: "I respect women!" After a short silence I decided to go: "Why?" This somehow triggered his internal "spout lunacy" mechanism. He started yapping away on this and that vaguely sexual topic until I could no longer follow. At one point we were stopped at a red light and he was completely turned around, lecturing me in a wise man's whispertalk: "I try to put myself in the mind of a rapist..." He was squinting at me as if he could see into the future, touching his pointer-finger to his temple to indicate the "mind" of a rapist.

Later in the drive he goes: "I love sex! A doctor can draw all the semen from my body and it will never feel the same as when I'm with a woman!" As I smiled what I hoped was a smile of recognition, I wondered why would a doctor ever need to do that procedure to him and what was his healthcare situation? And on and on as we drove and drove and drove...

Time travel question: What era, day or event in New York's history would you like to re-live?
Ellis Island, immigration. I want to see what they would chalk me. And could I win them over.

Best celebrity sighting in New York, or personal experience with one if you're that type.
Before he was being hounded by the media, I ran into Michael Jackson at 7A. I got a chance to just talk to him like a real person. We chattered away about face-fucking young boys and our favorite 7A side orders (I liked the nachos, he likes potato skins). He was very sweet and sincere. For the record, I have trouble imagining him as capable of any crimes he is charged with.

Describe that low, low moment when you thought you just might have to leave NYC for good.
I had just pulled my shank out of the heaving pregnant womb. As I wiped my prints and tossed it into the gutter, I thought to myself: “I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!”

Just after midnight on a Saturday - what are you doing?
I'm at home, probably working or watching a video. I hate being out on the weekends. In a way, I think I am really cool because of it.

What's the most expensive thing in your wardrobe?
I asked the saleswoman could the black suede boots be ok in rain? No she said. Unshakably no. Could they be sprayed to be rainproof? No. So I bought them and wore them out in deep rains and heavy snow! To make myself feel better, I always remind myself that I really shouldn’t have spent the money to buy them in the first place and that they broke me.

Finish one of the four following sentences:
2) "She took him to the Whitney Museum where Vladimir admired a row of..."
boring sentences that he had to complete. He was furious with the Whitney for this monotonous chore!

Where do you summer?
I don't "summer" quite yet. The way things are, I am just able to confidently "lunch."

Who do you consider to be the greatest New Yorker of all-time? (Name up to three if you must.)
Overcrowding Jones.
Inflation Smith.
IceColdWinter LeBron.

What was your best dining experience in NYC?
Prune, Balthazar, Blue Ribbon. I feel you judging but I stand by this.

Just how much do you really love New York?
It's pretty good. (More than ever?)

What happened the last time you went to L.A.?
I became sequestered in my crazy grandmother's Los Feliz home and snuck off to do comedy-related acts and activities.

Medication: What and how much do you take?
I like Advil cold and sinus.

Of all the movies made about (or highly associated with New York), what role would you have liked to be cast in?
Keanu Reeves in Johnny Neumonic (I am hoping this was based in NY?).

If you could change one thing about New York, what would it be?
Lower rent. Add more sexy men. Raise salaries. Make opportunities to eat private, complimentary, buffet style food. And I don’t mean buffet-style like a bunch of shitty hotel food, I mean this decadent smorgasbord of all my favorite foods. It would have chocolate fondue and oysters and great salads and tart pies, and tart lemon cake and lots of appetizers and seafood and pasta. And cheese/fruit plates. As well as an olive bar. Also ice cream sundaes with fudge and almonds, dim sum and sushi (+ grilled shrimp with garlic and butter). Drinkwise it will have: cranberry Calistoga, vitamin water, coke, wine, saki, margaritas, and more.

The End of The World is finally happening. What are you going to do with your last 24 hours in NYC?
1.) Throw hot tea on people like I always have the urge to.
2.) Sex, food, play with a cute dog or baby that has no idea what’s about to happen. Maybe drugs. Acknowledge my son.
3.) Kill myself as the punchline to a joke. (In current times, if someone is saying something boring I wish I could throw myself out the window. But in this unique instance I can actually do it.)

Chelsea's website.