I am here to announce that once I raise $738,500 I will be moving to Staten Island to live the dream. What's the dream? The dream is to live in this cottage and pretend I live in the middle of nowhere and experience real goddamn peace and quiet, while also enjoying fairly immediate access to Manhattan. The dream is to be left alone, when I want to be. The dream is the best of both worlds—one of those worlds coming with a stone fireplace and reading nook and what I imagine will be lovely outdoor dinner parties on my deck, and the other coming with martinis at 21. A source familiar with Staten Island tells me this cottage is in a neighborhood that is "a little quiet [but] there's nothing wrong with it." Heaven.

This “Hansel & Gretel gingerbread house”—which is not what I will be calling it when I get the keys, rather I will give it a whimsical name, like Diane Lane did with her home in Under the Tuscan Sun—is located at 298 Lighthouse Avenue. What an adorable and nautical address I will have. There is a total of 1,450-square-feet, all located on the same hillside as the Jacques Marchais Museum of Tibetan Art, which sounds peaceful.

Click through for a look at my future home, which, as is the case with most material purchases, will solve all of my problems. [h/t Curbed]