Noisily clinks silver spoon against crystal champagne flute EXCUSE ME FELLOW RICH PEOPLE, I have called you all here today because I have a competitive investment opportunity you won't want to miss: the (allegedly) most expensive property currently available in Brooklyn could be yours for a mere $18 million.

Check out 88 Remsen Street, a very pricey Brooklyn Heights home: Five stories, a finished basement, a carriage house, two terraces, and one "beautifully landscaped garden," according to the listing — all conveniently located near nine subway lines you obviously will never take if you can afford to buy this $18 million townhouse.

For that sum, you get many amenities that rich people enjoy. High ceilings (12'), floor-to-ceiling and bay windows, ugly carpeting the exact color of money, an "amazing finished rec room/screening room basement" that comes "fully equipped with a pool table, juke box, and foosball table" to keep your large teenage sons occupied. This five-bedroom, seven-bathroom home is in fact a "Parlor Quadruplex" with a garden level that's "currently configured as a massive kitchen opening to an enclosed back garden and a large living/bedroom and bath." But please, do not let that constrain your imagination: "This floor has many possible uses — a staging area for large scale entertaining in the upper quad, a guest or au pair suite or a separate rental unit if desired."

Dining room

The dining room (one of them)

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The dining room (one of them)
Brown Harris Stevens

Or! Why not exile your au pair to the carriage house, "a beautifully renovated charming loft-like large one bedroom apartment with a full open kitchen and a gorgeous bathroom" atop a garage, which itself sits above "a grotto-like screening room with a half bath complemented by an amazing glass enclosed rain shower which is day lit by a stained glass ceiling under a portion of the private garden of the townhouse." Personally I can't really envision a layout that allows for this kind of natural light, but then again, the listing does note that it "must be seen to be appreciated."

So go see it! Go appreciate it. And then let me know whether or not I can live in the basement