Do you sometimes feel a burst of machismo around wienerschnitzel? Do you find yourself savoring an unusual attraction to very long cars? Do you think your micro penis is the itsy-bitsyest in all of Brooklyn? Then Kings County Bar wants you to sign up for their first annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant! It's the ultimate wet t-shirt contest for infinitesimal penises.

"The Contest" will be held on Saturday, July 20th starting at 5 p.m. at the bar, located at 286 Siegel Street near the Morgan Avenue L train. The event is open to anyone 21 and over; photo and video submissions will not be accepted, no matter how much you want to send them. Oddly, you don't have to worry about being completely nude, even if you are totally proud of your lilliputian penis: "While nudity is not required, contestants should expect to wear wet underwear (which will be provided)." Which is at least a little bit of a step up from Howard Stern's small penis contest. But what about shrinkage?

The winner will receive the coveted title of 2013 Smallest Penis in Brooklyn, a crown, and a generous cash donation to the charity of his choice (which they note can be "self"). For information on entering the contest, you can email

We've contacted the bar to find out some more information about the contest and those pre-wet underwear. Just think carefully before you start forwarding this link to all your buddies—while a lot of men are very secure with their flyspeck penises, some might be carrying some subatomic shame.