2007_02_food_bourdain.jpgAnthony Bourdain, who has taken to guest-blogging for Michael Ruhlman, has already offered his opinions on Top Chef contestants. Now, he's on to bigger and better targets -- the personalities on the Food Network. He admits to watching it, "I find myself riveted by its awfulness, like watching a multi-car accident in slow motion," and has plenty to say about those who grace its airwaves. Emeril: "I STILL find him unwatchable." Giada: "Food Net seems more interested in her enormous head (big head equals big ratings. Really!) and her cleavage--than the fact that she’s likeable, knows what she’s doing in an Italian kitchen--and makes food you’d actually want to eat." Rachel Ray: "She’s a friendly, familiar face who appears regularly on our screens to tell us that '[e]ven your dumb, lazy ass can cook this!'" Sandra Lee: "Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time."

But the best part of Bourdain's rant is his dream Iron Chef matchups:

Mario Batali (with one arm tied behind his back--and drunk) vs. Regina Schrambling
Michael Ruhlman, swacked on Ripple, vs. John Mariani-- in a Charcuterie Challenge
Grant Achatz vs. That Guy In Australia Who Ripped off his recipes as his own
Marco Pierre White vs. Gordon Ramsay
Charlie Trotter vs. Martin Picard (Chicken Livers vs. Foie Gras)
Chris Cosentino, Fergus Henderson, Martin Picard vs. Alain Passard, Roxanne Klein and Charlie Trotter (Cooked vs. Raw Challenge)
Martha Stewart vs. Rachael Ray (bare knuckle cage match)
Ducasse vs. Robuchon
“Mikey” from Top Chef vs. Sandra Lee

We'll put our money on Marco Pierre White, Batali, and Mikey, to start.